Christmas is a time to reflect (Hope)

I used to believe Christmas was a time for children.

I thought of it as not a time for me.  I thought of myself as too old.


I realize now that Christmas is a time for the kid inside of us.  I realized this during my umpteenth time watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. 

I also realized that there was still a part of me that is childish.

My younger brother will always be my little brother.  He will always be the brother I protect from the bad things in life.  Even if the bad thing is me. 

I have done a lot of bad things in my life.  I am not proud of the bad.

I try to make up for the bad things by doing more good . I try not to advertise the good.  If I can make one person feel good about themselves,  then I feel one of the many bad things will be erased.  It will not be.  I hope it will erase the bad things I have done in my life.  It does make me feel good to know I made someone feel better about themselves.

I never told anyone.  You can keep a secret, right?!.  I was diagnosed with MS twelve years ago.  I was diagnosed when my oldest was about a year and a half years old.  I tried to be supermom and very good at my job.  It was a stressful job.  My supervisor  put a lot of pressure on me to do well.  I had a choice to make.  I had to choose between my job and my family.

Well, I am sitting here unemployed.

I chose my family.  Many people would say that I am crazy.  I am crazy.  Crazy in love with my kids and husband.  I am so corny,

Avon allows me to make a little money.  It is little right now.  And still be there for my kids.

I get to see my little boy pretend everything is a car.  I get to see my daughters argue about nothing.  I am here. I will never again put myself in a situation where I have to choose.  I am not in an office trying to get work done in order to get home.  

God has blessed me abundantly.  He gave me three kids.  I only hoped for two.  He gave me a good husband.  When I thought no man would love me.

I am not rich in the conventional sense.  I am rich in every other way.

I feel bad that I will not be able to buy Christmas presents. 

There is always next year.  I am going to be O.K.  and next year will be better.   I mean gift wise. 

Games

Ever run after a one year old when they think that it is a game.  Your funny walk is a game.   Every thing is a game at this age.   Life is about how much fun you can have.  He needs an outlet.  Something to occupy his mind.  I was looking at the blocks offered by Avon.  It is some thing I can invest in.

New Love

I recently went to an Avon Christmas Party.  It was a great time.  I wore my Avon Body spray.  I smelled and looked great.  I had a really good time.  I learned a lot about all the advancement opportunities.  Becoming an Avon representative was so easy.  It cost as much as the cost of lip stick.  What surprised me the most was the number of men that were at the party.  The men were representatives also. I take it that men know better than women what a woman wants.  I know woman wants to feel special.

When a man says you look good.  It means something a little different than when a woman says it.  We should be honest.  We love to hear we look good.  When a man says it.  Then it means a little more.  I wish I could say that I moisturize with Anew to keep my husband interested. 

It is to keep all the other men interested.  And to make my husband know I still got it.

Depression (Forsaken)

I have been deprssed because I try to do everything the right way.  I try to follow God's laws.  I try not to lie.  I try not to cause anyone trouble.  But (and it is a big but)  I get into trouble.  All I wanted to do was help my husband.  I wanted to help take care of my family.  I tryed to be patient.  It never works out for me and my family the way I hope it will.  I am starting to feel it is better not to hope for anything.   I should not hope for a cure for MS.  I should not hope for anything.  Life sucks sometimes.  I am tired of being kicked when I am down. 

Well enough of that.  I think I am done feeling sorry for myself. 

I am going to say a prayer for guidance because I feel very lost.

I think I can....(Determinatiion)

Hello everyone,
Recently I was accused of always being in a hurry. 
I am actually not in a hurry.  Technically I cannot be in a hurry.  My MS will not allow me to be in a hurry.  I walk funny.  I have to slow down because my balance is all screwed up.  It is O.K.  That the person thinks I am always in a hurry.  (The person is my mother.)  People tend to forget that I am only 4'11".  My legs can only go so far.  All my life I had to play catch up with people who seem to tour over me at 5' and above.  It was a necessity that I walk fast.  Now I have kids I have to keep up with.  They get taller and I feel like I am shrinking.  What am I to do?

Being under appreciated

Why is it when I have a really bad cold I am expected to perform at 100%.   When my husband has a cold I am expected to take care of the big baby.  Sometimes it is easier to take care of the kids.  At least they say thank you.  Even the one year old says his version of thank you.  I know my MS is not as bad as most.  I am deeply grateful for that. 

Miracle of Sleep

My one year old son slept in his own bed recently.  After being told to go to bed he actually went to bed.  It was the best sleep I ever had.  It only took a year. 

Decisions

Are you ever caught between a rock and a hard place?  Well I am there.  I tell the truth and it means I get bombarded by people who wants what is best for me.  Or at least their version of what is best for me.  I follow my dreams and I am basically told they are not good enough. They say my dream to run my own Avon business is stupid.  They say I will never make any money.  It has only been 4 months and I have allowed my family to use my account.  They are constantly looking to get over on people.  I was that way and I probably still am.  Who knows.  All I know is that I get to be at home with my little man.  I get to stay home and greet my kids when they get home.I am living the dream.  They see what is wrong with  this.  I see what is right.  I have MS instead of creating more debt.  I just wanted to help my husband get out of debt. and not become worse in the process.
















 

OK. Not Finished.

I decided to keep writing my blog.  I consider Avon as a type of job.  It is not considered a job.  I guess it is not a traditional job.  It is something I can control.  I work when I want to work.  The hardest part is letting go of the past.  I realize the best thing I can do is realize that I am not twenty.  I am 37 and not getting any youn getting any younger.  I am still me. 

I am stilll the girl that says the wrong thing.

I still have a big heart. 

I take risks. 
 Those risks are often times mistakes.   But somethimes those risks payoff.  I just pray my familt does not get hurt by my risky decisions.

It is cold in NC.

Hello everyone.  It is freezing in the house.  It is not because a bill was not paid.  It is because my parents were nice enough to pay for a new stove because our old one was broken.  Since it is a gas stove and the heat in our house is run on gas.  My husband took off anything that runs on gas in preparation for the coming stove.  Thank goodness for our electric heater.  It will take some time but the house will be warmer soon.  Sometimes a gift has its unexpected price attached.  

Last post

I read about reducing your work load.  I cannot divorce my family.  I can stop looking for traditional work.  I can hope that Avon generates enough money to pay my bills.  I will be concentrating my blogging on myavon.com/nerissagibbs.

New and Final Chapter (Hope)

Well I have a new chapter.  My husband and I decided that returning to work would not be a good idea.   Just because I can think clearly does not mean that I would not feel the stress of the people around me.  The only stress I feel is from myself.  The only stress is from me not being around people over the age of 20.  I know of many women and men who continued to work.  I know of them as being sicker than me.  I may one day raise some money for them.

Happy Anniversary

I spent a few minutes tonight debating with my husband about if today was our anniversary or not.  We both did not remember if it was today or the 26th.  We had to call our eldest daughter to clarify.  She said it was today after telling us how sad we are.  After a bad relapse of multiple sclerosis my husband asked that I not return to work.  I decided to stop trying to win a battle that I am not armed for.  This battle went to MS.  I will win the war.  I made a deal with him.  I told him that I would stop stressing myself out with looking for work.  I would not look for work.  I am going to sell Avon exclusively.  I never thought of myself as a sales person.  The good thing about Avon is that the product sells itself..All I have to do is tell people about the products I use or the sales that are there.  No problem right.  WRONG!  The only problem I am having are my parents.  I understand they do not want to lose me.  I really do understand that.  But when I go out to spend time with my kids I do not want to put a work hat on.  I just want to spend time with my kids.  I guess it is too much to ask for.  My mother would like for me to always have an Avon book with me.  If I am spending time with my kids then I want to spend time with my kids. 

Sabbath va.Suday(Praise)

Some people worship and give praise to the Lord on the Sabbath Day.  Some people praise the Lord on Sunday.  You can begin your week praising the Lord.  You may end your week praising the Lord.   You may praise the Lord every day.  It is all up to you. 

One of my daughters has a lot of questions about whether or not she is a good person.  She wonders if she will be let into heaven or not.  I love that she is questioning everything.  I raised her to question everything and to not accept things because someone said it is the truth according to the Bible.  People can take passages from the Bible and make them work to their advantage. 

Beware of false profits and all of that.

It is difficult to determine who is false and who speaks God's word. 

My husband tried to explain to my daughter that God does not say words to you all the time.  Sometimes it is just a feeling.  Or it can be an opportunity that comes your way. 

Persistence

One time somebody commented on my persistence.  It can get me in trouble sometimes.  I can b grt pretty annoying.  I mean really annoying.  I really want the job with the Department of Public Safety.  I cannot reach anyone.  I have a number to reach someone but I cannot call that person anymore.  I want to get the job because I am good at what I do.  Patience is not my forte. I know God has a plan for me.  I don't know what that plan is I just have to hope I am ready for it when it comes.

Determination

Hello everyone.

I am waiting for the job I have always wanted.  A job with the Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Council.  It is where I have wanted to work since I first heard of the organization.  I spoke to them about some reports I ran for them.  I wanted to work for an organization that helps children.  I always wanted to work for an organization.  that assists juveniles in getting a second chance.   In a court of law they are considered juveniles.  Even if they are seen as adults because they are seen as people who should be in college.  They should be but they lost their way.  College may be something that they aspire to do.  They may beleive college is not for them.  Choices are made.  At the time they think it is the right choice.  Then something happens and the choice they make does not pan-out.  I have been there.  I am there now. 

I made choices and they did not work out.  It makes me fearful to make any other choices.  I know it is just the way it is right now.  I am determined to not let it get me down.  At least not too far down.  I am allowed to have a day or two of depression.  I am only human.  Even Jesus had his moments of self-pity.  I am not better than Jesus.  I hope I get the job.  I hope I can use my natural talents to help juveniles.  I must be doing something right because God keeps blessing me.  I pray he continues to bless me

The Storm (Persistence)

Gather around. I have a story to tell you. Now hush and take a deep breath.

Long ago there was a man and a woman. Their hands were intertwined. They gazed into each other’s eyes. They gazed so deeply into each other’s eyes for so long that they did not notice the giant raindrop. He ripped his eyes away from her eyes with a sigh. As he turned his eyes away from her he looked up. The rain came down in sheets. It soaked them both.

She began to run. They searched for somewhere to hide from the rain. No matter where they looked they could not find anywhere to go. They did not give up even when the thunder and lightning started. She was so scared. She huddled closer to him. He tried to protect her.

He could not protect her from the downpour.

They were both tired and wet. They were about to give up. They kept looking around for protection.

They were about to give up. Then they noticed a man walking towards them. The man was carrying an open umbrella. He waved for the couple to come under the umbrella. The couple looked at each other and ran under the umbrella.

As soon as they got under the umbrella. The sun came out. They were immediately dry.

The man asked if they were alright.

The woman began to cry. Through her tears she said, “I almost gave up on you. We searched for you. Where were you?!

"I was right here. Be honest. You did not think I would leave you or else you would have stopped searching. You are persistent That is what I like about you."

They smiled at each other. She looked at her boyfriend and smiled as she realized everything was going to be O.K.

Is this the end?

I told you all once before that my dream job is working with the JCPC.  It stands for the Juvenile Court Prevention Council.  I do not know if I would receive the honor of working with the council.  I am a strong believer that everyone deserves a second chance.  They deserve it because we all make mistakes.  I made quite a few in my day.   Nothing that led to my arrest.  Thank the Lord.  I guess I was too afraid of disappointing my family.  Part of me is afraid to hope for such an opportunity.  When I hope for things they do not I love kids and I hate to see when people give up on kids.  Sometimes you want to knock some sense into them.  You should never give up on kids.  They meet the expectations you set for them. 

I would love to be apart of an organization that gives juveniles the second chance they need.    

I have a feeling that the end is near.  I enjoyed my time of rest.  I learned a lot about my kids and my husband.  I learned a lot about MS. 

What did I learn you ask. 

I learned that my kids are big enough for responsibility and will come to my aid when I need them.  I learned that my husband only wants what is best for me.  It is annoying sometimes because what I want does not go with what he sees as what is best for me  sometimes.  I learned that my MS is manageable.  I have more good days than bad.  I do not know if the end is near.  It is just a feeling. 

Do I offend you?

I was looking back at my posts.  Why are you all so nasty?  Why am I so nasty?   I try to be inspirational and positive.  You do not want to read that.  You want to read my thoughts on why men are fascinated with their penis.  You want to read why humans suck.  I am happy today and do not feel like writing depressing topics.  I have no job.  There is one job I really want working with the JCPC (Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Council).  I have a lot of obstacles but I really want the job.  Working with Avon is fun but it is not the job I want.  Staying home with the kids is fun.  I really want the JCPC job.   I would love every aspect of the job.  The door WCPSS seems to have closed.  It is o.k.  because I survived harsher things.  I can survive this.

Tired of Trying

I hit a wall today.  I try to be up and happy for my kids.  I am not too happy today.  I am tired.  Tired of looking on the bright side.  I just want to let God take care of me.  I hope He does not mind taking care of me.  I am tired because I try so hard to take care of everyone else.

Sacrifice

We make plentty of sacrifices in our life.  I sacrificed my body in order to be a mother.  I do not mean gaining a few pounds.  I would actually have loved to gain a few pounds.  I actually mean I cannot walk without limping or being in pain.  I am sure this will get better once I go to the doctor. 

I read the MS blog and get alot of tips. 

I am already tired of my at home business.  I do not enjoy it.  I miss working at a computer.  I know an at home business would be good for everyone but me.  I do not want to work from home.  I know it is what is good for everyone.  I do not want my home to be where I work.  I want my home to be where I relax and enjoy my kids. 

I did learn a little more about finance and promotion. 

I pray that the job I really want becomes available. 

Why are men fascinated with their penis?

Starting as early as one.  A male is fascinated by his penis.  It is a strange thing coming out of his body that needs to be played with.   And boy does he play with it.  He plays with it, tugs it, and there is always a look of  wonderment when he discovers how much fun it is.  I know little boys are not doing it for sexual gratification. They are doing it because it is a plaything that is conveniently attached to their body.

It seems that the fascination never ends.  Look at your man one day.  I mean really look at him.  Where are his hands 90% of the time.  What in the world could he possibly be looking for in his pocket.  Why does he not put a stronger powder on that area if it itches so much.  What is with smelling your hand after you scratch that area. 

I know that there are many men out there who do not do that all the time (at least not around anyone they view as respectful.)  

OK enough of the crazy talk.  I am facing a difficult decision.  Do I go  back out to work and be stressed out.  Making me sicker than I already am or do I stay home and take naps with my son.  I am  struggling with this.   What would you do? 

The type of MS I have the relapses can be difficult.  They do damage to my body.  What should I do? Return to a world where I stress myself out trying to please others or do I stay in my own little world where people forgive me when I make a mistake.  I am a people pleaser and I hate it when I disappoint others.  What do I do?

Taking The High Road Part 2

When I wrote taking 'Taking The High Road' I did not realize how much it would help my marriage.  I guess realized that even good men have their butt moments helps for me to vent.  During this time of anxiety and woe I was wearing my rose colored glasses.  I wore my glasses in order to keep the peace in my home.  Well the glasses are coming off. 

I have a pet peeve.  To be honest I have a few pet peeves.  One of them came to light recently.  Do you remember the movie 'Harlem Nights'?  The character Vera is yelling about Benny leaving a swallow of orange juice in the container.  It is a hilarious moment.  My husband does this also.  I complained about it one day.  His response to me was that he did this in order to remind me to  make more Kool-Aid.  I was so mad way back then that I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement.  I even asked him why he did not just make it himself.  Then he said the next stupid thing which was that he did not have time to do it.  This happened when I had a job and a baby to take care of.  I wanted to ask him what made my day less busy than his.  I made the Kool-Aid.  I have been making Kool-Aid our entire marriage after noticing the almost empty container.  Don't get me wrong.  I mean every now and again he does break a sweat and opens a packet of Kool-Aid, gets the sugar, a mixing spoon, and mixes the Kool-Aid himself.  I know that the ten minutes it takes to do this labor intensive job is difficult but he manages to live through it (or he asks someone else to do it).  O.K. I should cut him some slack.  I did spoil him by not complaining a all those years ago.  I am complaining now.  He does take good care of me now also.  Even during all of our troubles he still finds time to cook the family dinner.  Besides I am grateful that my biggest complaint is the lack of Kool-Aid being made.   

Jealousy

Sometimes you want to be someone else for a day.  Your life could be great.  Natural curiosity makes you wonder what it would be like to be that person who seems to have a great life.

There are so many movies with this plot.  'The Change-Up' and 'Freaky Friday' are a few. 

You are jealous of what they have.   Or at least what you think they have.

What if you are jealous of your own children? 

They get to run and jump.  I cannot do this anymore.  I have to wear sneakers with good arch support just to walk as close to normal as I can get.  They also get to spend more time with daddy than you do.  Part of me is very happy that they are so close.  Another part of me wants to shove them to the side and say, "Look at me.  Look at me."  I do not do this because I know that I am being silly.  I know my husband loves me but sometimes I want him all to  myself.

Then reality hits. 

I would not want to re-live the hormones, homework, and all the other childhood challenges?  Even if it meant escaping pain for a little while.  I remember the hell I went through.  Or at least the hell I imagined I was going through. I would not want to relive anything because I would not have my kids.

Life is funny because you cannot wait to be an adult.  When you become an adult and you want to be a child.



 

Courage

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I am scared that no one will read this blog.  Scared that I am making the wrong decisions.  Scared that one day my husband will come home from work and find me dead on the floor because I tripped down the stairs and broke my neck.  There are days (especially on days when my joints hurt especially bad) that I wonder if God has forsaken me.

I often wonder if I have courage because I am always scared.  I am aspired by the courageous people around me and I wonder if I measure up. 

I see the person who walks away from an unhealthy marriage.  I am sure that person was scared and alone.   They have to find their way.  They move on to better and greater things.

I see the person who forgives someone even when they have caused them so much pain. 

I see the person who works in order to better themselves by returning to school even when they have obstacles in their path. 

There is the person who follows their dreams even when people talk badly about them.  They follow their heart.  They work hard.  Even when they are told that they need to find a real job. 

This is what I see.  Everyone has something they fear.  These are just a few examples of courage.  I pray for courage everyday.  I think about the movie Green Lantern.  (I said it once and I will say it again.  You can learn a lot  from movies.)  In the movie the hero is told that courage is not the absence of fear.  Well I have enough fear to go around.  It makes me wonder if I have courage.  Is it just a bravado and I really do not have any courage.  I will investigate further and get back with you. 

Do you do things that scare you?  You have courage because I said so!! 

I guess my investigation is over.  That was quick.  I guess I do have courage.  Anyone who has to get out of bed with a smile on their face even when their legs cause them so much pain has to have courage.  Right? 

Confidence

I recently lost faith and confidence in myself.  I try to do the right thing.  Sometimes it feels like the wrong thing after it is done.  It is so difficult to do.  I try to get people to share my blog by word of mouth.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Then I decide to try and help others and they stab me in the back.  I am getting tired of being treated like trash.  I am a good person.  Why does no one seem to see that. 

People say God is looking.  But what if what I do is not good enough. 

Sorry it is one of those days. 

On to better things.  My girls are enjoying summer vacation.  They sleep all day and stay up all night.  My son is getting molars.  He thinks everything is something to climb.  I caught him on the kitchen table a couple of times.  He was up there giving me the 'What did I do' look when I told him not to do that.

On a side note I regained my confidence and faith.  I just had to realize that bad things happen to people all the time.  I had to get out of my depression.

Vacation

You know what I need.  A vacation from the reality of my life.  I need to pack my things and go to a hotel.  I need to be pampered.  I guess I would be able to do that if I had steady money coming in.  One day I will have steady money coming in.  Oh and I need new luggage. 

My dream vacation is not one on a beach somewhere.  It is a nice stay in a hotel with room service.  I want to be able to call someone and food is delivered.  Is that too much to ask for.  I know what you are thinking.  I can call for pizza.  Well, I don't want pizza.  I am sick of pizza.  Ok, Ok. I must admit those artisan pizzas from Domino's are really good.  I love the one with spinach and feta cheese.  Those are great. 

I want my kids to go somewhere and do what they want.  Not what people think they want to do.  My kids are simple.  Give them a little and they will make it into allot. 

We are simple folks. 

I may regret saying this but I prefer we be broke and happy. 

Taking the High Road

Ever want to scream but you but you try not to sink to that level.  I have had that feeling many times.  When my kids do something that makes me want to scream I count to five.  I have left the room occasionally and I  go ahead and scream. 

When it is an adult it hat makes you want to is harder to do these things because you look crazy.

I know I have told you all in past posts that I would be honest with you.  I normally do not complain about my husband.  I have complained about many other things.  In past posts I have only said wonderful things about him.  Last night was not one of those times.  Last night my wonderful husband was a butt.  Yes a butt. 

I wanted to scream at him. To argue with him.  I took the high road and did not do those things.  I did not want to say things that I cannot take back.  He never believes me when I say things like I am going to divorce you.  He thinks I would never do that because I love him. 

For April Fool's Day I should type up some official looking documents and serve him with divorce papers.  O.K.  I would never do that because he would see right through that.  Stupid knowledge of the law.

Anyway.  Did I mention he is a butt?

I say butt because I gave up cursing a long time ago.  You know the word I would like to say.  I am too much of a lady for that word or at least I pretend to be.

 Back to my tirade.

He is a butt. I say this with a slightly level head. 

PRAYER

In my time at home  (which I hope will be over soon and I will be working) I did a lot of thinking about prayer.  Is wondered what God had in  store for me.  I claimed positions like many people suggested.

Claiming what you want I decided was not the way to go.  My suspicions were verified by a preacher who gave biblical evidence that claiming something is not following God.  It just leads to disappointment  when you do not receive what you want.  The thing that you want may not be in your path.

I try my best to follow God.  I do not claim anything.  I do hope for things but I do not claim anything.  To my thinking it may not be my blessing to claim.  
  
That is why I follow my heart and hope for the best.

The Race

Ever run a race along an area with lots of curves with obstacles in your path. 

You train  for this race.  You map out the route.  You have anticipated every possible hurdle. 

Too bad life is not that way.  I mapped out how my life was going to go.  My husband and I would go to work and be successful at what we did.  More importantly we would be happy.  Unfortunately you can never know what kind of hurdle is around the corner. 

Sometimes it is a short hurdle.  A hurdle that you can easily step over. 

Sometimes it is a hurdle that is so tall you have to climb it to get over it.  You feel there is no end to the climb.  You are tired and sweaty. You do not see an end to the climb.

Often times you do not want to go on. 

You wonder what the point is of going on. 

I myself feel this way often.  Then I turn on the music really loud and I feel at peace. 

I do not know what tomorrow will bring or what kind of hurdle will be around the corner. 

I normally keep going because to stop means defeat and you never know what is at the end of the race.

Waiting

Well I woke up today feeling good.  I felt normal.  I am still waiting for a job.  I found one that I would love to get.  It is with a local college.  I do not know if I will get it but it seems like a great job.  The school seems like it is a nurturing school.  It made me think about if I wanted to be a professor.  I don't know.  I know I love the educational system.  I know I have said things about the educational system.  I wish I could say that I did not mean what I said.  At the time I did mean what I said.  Maybe I was angry at the educational system that abandoned me. 

So much has been taken from me.  I just want to be excited about going to work.  Yes, Excited!
I want to wake up in the morning ready to meet the challenges of the day.

Well we will see what happens.

My girls are in  summer vacation mode.  My son has figured out how to come down the stairs without falling.

It is going to be a great summer.  I have to believe that it will be.

Why is prostitution illegal?

My week has been mild.  My kids are finishing up school.  Actually my eldest daughter has completed the school year.  My youngest daughter is completing her last day today.  The only problem I have is what to do with her while she is out of school.  She is a child that bores easily.  I do not have a car either.  I do not know what to do.  Hey I know what we can do.  She loves to write and make up stories.  Would you all be interested in reading her stories?

My eldest daughter did have an interesting question.  She asked me why prostitution is illegal.  I would love to hear what you think.  I will give you the answer I gave her.  My answer was I do not know.  I will be glad to expand on my answer.

Change to the blog

I have updated my blog once again.  I got tired of what I had.  I got tired of focusing on me.  I am not that interesting.  At least I do not think I am.  I am no different from any other 37 year old, un-employed mother of three who has MS.  I mean I have problems but everyone else has problems too.  A comment from you will help me get my mind off of myself.  I am so sick of talking about myself.  I am sure you are tired of hearing my belly-aching.  From now on I am going to do what I love doing which is to help others.  It is why I love administrative work.  It is helping others be better versions of themselves.

Turning Point

I wanted to apologize.  I started this blog in order to purge bad feelings and deal with bad feelings.  I wanted this blog to be positive.  It has not been positive.  It  has been me feeling sorry for myself.  It has been all about me.  I hope to change the direction of this blog.
An angel bought my husband and I some furniture.  Our present furniture is crap.  My dog did a number on it.  She is leaving her puppy stage.  She will be 2 and that is like a teenager in dog years.  From my limited experience teens sleep most of the day.  I think my new couches will be safe from the dog.  They may be destroyed by my children and husband.  I will deal with that when it happens. 

I lived yesterday.  Well my kids lived and I watched. 

Picture it.  The year was 2012.  It was a warm day.  There was one dark cloud in the sky.  It promised rain.  It delivered rain a few short minutes later.  The sky opened up and the rain came down.  One of my daughters is yelling that the rain feels like hail. (Sorry I began this way.  I have been watching the 'Golden Girls'. )

My son walks around in wonderment and looks up.  He wants to know where the water is coming from.  He looks at his sisters and smiles.  He smiles a smile of trust.  'The water will not harm me.'  He trusts that his sisters will protect him.  'Nothing is going to harm me.'

The laughter seems to be coming from way down deep.  Laughter that makes the rain seem like a shower in the house. 

'I am starting to feel a  little chilly.'

I tell them to come inside and take a really nice warm shower and get ready for bed. 

My oldest child leaves her siblings behind and gets into the shower.  We do not see her again for an hour.

My middle child complains.  She wonders why the fun in the rain cannot be considered her shower.  I tell her that soap was not involved and that is why it is not considered a shower.   

My son cries because that is the most outside time he has had in a long time.

Don't worry everyone took long warm baths.  They toweled off and ate dinner afterward. 

I tell you this much it was very easy to get everyone in bed.  So here it is no more sadness.  Just a tired mom.

I've Got Nuthin...

This is not another depressing post. I just do not have anything to write about.  I guess I could tell you that my teenager.  She stays up most of the night and sleeps all day.  Typical teenager.  I could write about how the seven year old thinks she is above us all. Last night after convincing her to get in the shower.  After 25 minutes I tell her, "For someone who said she did not want to take a shower she was taking a mighty long time."  The reply I get back was, "You know how it is mommy.  You do not want to get in the shower but once you get in then you do not want to get out."  I could not respond.  Then ther is the one year old.  He thinks he is a dog.  He puts blankets in his mouth and shakes his head.  He also likes to climb on anything and everything.

My poor body and mind needs a break. My husband and daughters did give me an hour of peace last night.  I also have you all.  I will write again soon.

To the men in my life

Today I decided to honor the men in my life.  Some men who have hurt me deeply.  Some men who have brought me great joy. Some of them are fathers now.  Some of the men are would be fathers. 

I grew up surrounded by boys that grew up to be strong men. 

They were the most troublesome group of boys. 

There was the day they told me to lay down on a table and close my eyes.  Then one of them kissed me.  Being the sweet girl that I was back then I slapped the crap out of him. 

One of these wonderful boys showed me my first porno.  I believe the title was 'Cherry Truckers'.  A cinema masterpiece. :)

One of these wonderful boys told me there was no Santa Clause.
One of these wonderful boys would play school with me.  Or run in the snow and act like a monster was chasing us. 

Then there was the boy who did his best to make me smile.
Good Times.

I was the biggest tom boy when I was around them.  I guess that is why I get along with guys rather than gals today. 

I saw and heard alot that can never be erased from my brain.  Do you have men like these in your life?

I need help.

Everyone wants to give a helping hand as long as it does not interfere with their lives.  When was the last time you did something for someone even if it inconvenienced you.  I have not seen that happen in awhile. 

Whenever I asked for help I get excuses about how they cannot do it right now.  I know everyone has their own busy lives to lead.  I hate inconveniencing others so I do not ask.  Better to not get my feelings hurt.  Right?

Even the person that I trusted the most is too busy for me.  I am just feeling sorry for myself.  I think I deserve a pity party.  I wish this party had some music.  Music always makes me feel better.

Looking like I am OK

I am not OK.  I look fine but I am not OK. 

This is not about MS.  I am not OK because I made alot of mistakes in my life.  I am petrified to make another mistake. 

I went into some guys room thinking he liked me.  He liked me but only for sex.  Then I thought I was getting revenge by having sex with him again and making him want me.

I have always tried to please people.  The one time I try to please myself.  There is no one who can help me.  It is too late for me. 

My husband says not to worry.  He should know who he married.  A third generation worrier.

NC Weather Sucks

I hate to say it but it really does suck.  On days when it is too mild enough for me to go outside it rains.  Having MS sucks because I cannot go outside on nice days because it is too hot.  I cannot go outside on rainy days because I could slip.  Who wants to play in the rain anyway?

That is it!  I am moving to somewhere where it does not get too hot or rain a lot.  Wait there is no where I can go.  I will just find something wrong with there. 

It rains sometimes.  It gets hot sometimes.  Global warming is not fun for an MS patient. 

I just have to face it.  I am mad I have MS.  I want what is best for my kids.  I am realizing I am not what is right for them right now.  I am mad and depressed.  I want to be but I am not what is right for them.  I am trying to be what is right for them but if I push myself too hard I get sick.

They remember a mother that loved the outdoors.  They remember a mother that ran outside.  Now I am lucky to walk a great distance.  They remember a mother who did everything for them.

I don't want to be sad anymore.  I don't want to worry about bills anymore.  I want to work and be the best I can be. 

Gosh!  I am getting sick of me!  Quick read a happier blog.

Marco, Job-O. Where are you?

Today was a hard day.  My husband has been working all day.  It was just me and the kids.  Having a job will not make us rich or anything.  It would mean that I can focus my attention on worrying about something else.  I am a worrier.  I may be third generation worrier.  My mother is a worrier and my grandmother before her.  I worry about our bills.  I worry about my kids.  I worry about the dog.  I worry about how much I worry.  It is very stressful.  I have to learn how not to worry so much.

I have been doing it all my life.  It is hard to stop.

I used to worry about if I did something right.  I worried about making someone mad at me.  I still worry about that.  Old habits die hard.

Having a talk with Mommy

There is nothing my children hate more than having a talk with mommy.  My children hate having a talk with mommy when they do something wrong.

I learned this when I was a daycare worker.  This technique works very well.  I learned how to be a better mom but now I want to find my dream.

When my kids do something that annoys me I start to count.  I know when I am about to lose it because I begin to laugh.  The reason I laugh is because I cannot believe the ridiculousness of the statements made in order to get out of trouble.

I sit my kids down and I make sure that they are paying attention to me.  Then I begin the talk.  I ask them to explain to me the reason why they felt what they did was a good idea.   I normally listen to the whole story without interrupting them. 

I listen to everything and then I tell them why what they did was not a good idea.  They normally they do not do it again.

I told my husband the worst punishment I could ever give them is the sound of my voice.

When your child wets the bed

First I would like to apologize for my last post.  I was feeling little down because I had to face reality that I am a person with MS and I might lose a part of myself. 

The Pity Party is Over. 

I had to remind myself that it is a recession and jobs are hard to come by.  Especially government jobs.  Forget about private jobs.  No one wants to take a chance on someone who is over qualifed. Or someone who is underqualified.  The job that I loved was a government job.  I decided to play it safe and choose jobs that were close to me to alleviate some of the stress of working.  I also looked for jobs similar to my old government job.  

Everyone around me wants me to stay home with the kids.   I don't want to9 because when I am stressed out.  I lose my award winning patiece with the kids.  I prefer not to lose my patience.  They are only kids.  Wonderful, loving kids.  

And there is that whole MS situation. 

I may have to let it go. 

Hey!  That sounds familiar.  Maybe I should start taking my own advice.

Now on to the bedwetter.  I think I may have found a solution to the problem.  A night light and the removal of the pee soaked bed.  I hear there are pillow pets with night lights.  Or a simple night light.

I am not made of money. Joke.  You get it because I have no money.  Come on.  You snickered.

Do you all have any suggestions? 

God and Homosexuality

I happened to be turning the channels and I caught a televangelist talking about homosexuality as something that someone has to rid themselves of.  I did not like what he said. 

Lots of people believe that homosexuality is something to rid themselves of.  Then we have people that believe as Gaga says they were born that way. 

All I know is that I love people.  Whatever they are doing I just hope they are safe doing it. 

OK.  I got that off my chest now onto my day so far.  I decided to give job hunting a rest today.  Or more to the point I needed a rest.  Things are going well for my husband.  I am happy for him and a little jealous. 

I am upset that I cannot find a job.  I guess I am playing it too safe.  I could stay home but it is hard being a stay at home mom.  It is tiring and I feel I am so unproductive.  I had so many plans for my life.  I feel them slipping away.  I could work from home but that is difficult to do with a one year old. 

I constantly tell my husband that someone so small cannot have that much energy. 

Well I put in for assistance by submitting information for Disability Insurance.  I do not know if I will get it or not.  We will see.  It is manual labor that is difficult for me to do.  I am looking for an office job but I am not qualified for many it.  I have a bachelor's degree but not a degree for the types of jobs that are out there.  My husband does not want me to travel very far because...  He never really gave me a reason.  It could be because of the cost of gas or because we only have one car.  It could be because he would worry about me on the road.  I just know he got mad and I dropped it.  He is under enough stress.

I will keep trying.

The Dreaded Question

I encourage my kids to ask questions.  I am starting to rethink that plan.  As they get older the questions become more complicated.  Gone are the how does Santa get from house to house in one night.  Why does the dog not like me to pull her tail.  Where does snow come from?

The questions now are why are you tired all the time?  Why cann't you drive me to the store? 

The questions seem harmless until you explain that you have a disease.  Young mind cannot fully understand the concept that your body is attacking itself and that you are unable to stop it.  Adults cannot understand the concept.  How is a child supposed to understand?

Last Will and Testament Revisited

I feel foolish to be worried about myself.  My cousin died today because of a motor vehicle accident.  It makes me realize that I at least have some warning.  It may be quick but I have some time to be with my kids.  In honor of my cousin I will help others and not look for any thing in return. OK I will look for companionship and maybe a little help with the kids. 

Last Will and Testament

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I was in a really bad funk.  The thing is that I was thinking about when I die.  It may be depressing but it is a fact of life.  People are born and then they die.  It bummed me out.  I started to think of the well being of my kids.  I hope my husband outlives me. 

If he does out live me then I know my kids will be well taken care of.  I often times tell him that he would make a better mom than me.  He is more patient than I am. 

I have nothing monetary wise to leave to my kids. I have been out of work for almost 2 years.

If my husband and I die together like in a world will end type movie, then I do not know what we will do.  I have heard it said that you never know who to leave your kids with because no one will raise them the way you would. 

In a perfect world my kids will be grown and I will be able to leave them enough money to help them in the future. 

Another reason why I was thinking about such a morbid subject is because one of the suggestions made on a blog was to get you finances together.  I have to think of the future.  I realized that what is here may be gone tomorrow.  I guess that is why my husband does not make plans for the future.  I do make plans.  I feel the moment I stop making plans then I have given up on one day having them find a cure for MS.

The bed wetter

There are particular sheets that I have to wash almost every day.  The reason is because of the bedwetter.  They do not mean to wet the bed.  The dreams about rain and running water do not help.  I have done everything from threatening to making bedtime as late as possible.  The child is healthy.  It is just unfortunate that it is rather difficult to wake up out of sleep and go to the bathroom. 

I tried waking them in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  That is met with resistance.  I have tried many things but nothing seems to work.  They say the child will grow out of it.  Hopefully they will before I have to resort to drastic measures.  I do not know what those measures are but I am sure they will be drastic in nature. 

If you have a suggestion, I would love to hear it.

When your little girl is not so little

One day you have this precious little one.  All you want to do is hold her and protect her.  You are careful about what she eats.  About what she does.  All you want to do is hold her and keep her safe.

You know that you cannot keep her under lock and key but if you could you would.

She is not a little one.

You hope you have taught her well.

There is no guarantee. You just have to go on faith.

My girl when she was a baby.

My teenager now.  She is babysitting

Why do you not go to church?

Some people have ask me to go to church with them.  I often say yes.  I do not have a church 'home'.  I am open to new experiences.  I do not think I will ever have a church 'home'.

I do not like the thought of someone giving me their version of God.

I believe in God.  I just do not believe any one person is right.

God is a mystery.  A mystery we will never figure out.  At least I will never figure out.

I once asked a priest why there is so much war at the beginning of the Bible.  He did not answer in any way.  He just said that I needed to read each section of the Bible as separate books.
I do not understand why he just did not say that he did not know.  I would have respected that answer.

I decided to make it my mission to read as many books as I could about the Bible.  I even read the Bible. 

I realized reading all the books about the Bible was just like going to church.  I was allowing someone else to influence my thinking trough written word.

I understand I should go to church because it builds community.  People with a similar beleif coming together.  What if I do not agree with the community?  I am joining the church to socialize and to talk about similar beliefs. 

What if I want to believe that God has etched out a path for me to follow.  What if I want to believe my God really leaves it all up to us and he just leaves it all up to us?  What if I want to believe that God is just a giant mirror?

In that mirror we see what makes us great and we see our flaws.  We were made in His image.  What if we see ourselves when we die?  Would it not make sense that the image be our own.

It is something to think about.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

The kids are in the bed. The dog is walking around and enjoying the quiet.  My husband is playing this annoying game called 'Call of Duty'. (Sorry fans of 'Call of Duty'.  I just cannot get into it.  I am a 'Final Fantasy' fan.)  Anyway, the day has ended.  So far we have had 3 calls about bills we do not have money for.  No calls about jobs.  I am a little disappointed about not getting a call for an interview.  I mean come on!

Well I was sitting here bored.  It is late but I could not sleep.  I have been praying for my family.  I started to think about the pictures I have on file.  I looked at the pictures of my kids.  I looked at the pictures of my deceased cat.  I looked at pictures of my dog.  Then I came across a picture of a dragonfly.  For some reason I felt compelled to take the picture awhile back.

I looked at the picture and realized just how ugly the dragonflies are.  It looks so majestic when it is flying through the air.  It reminds me of what a fairy might looks like when it flies.  Then you take a closer look and you realize just how ugly it is.

I took the picture because it is ugly!  Ugly and unique!

No matter how ugly and different something is you can find something beautiful about it.  Hey!  I would not be married to my husband now if it was not for his light brown eyes.  The unique way he made me feel.  My husband was a bean pole of a man when I met him.  A weird man who wore shades at night. 

He is a cutey patooty now. 

You have to appreciate the beauty of ugly things.  They might surprise you.

Serenity

I was watching OWN one night.  It was a tiring day I chased after my son with my daughters' help.  I did not do much just tried to maintain.  That is all I am doing these days.  Just trying to maintain.  Maintain our house.  Maintain my sanity.  That is what I am doing.  Maintaining.

Anyway, I was watching Paula Dean on OWN.  She was talking about how she would say the 'Serenity' prayer when she was down and things looked hopeless.  She said one day she finally understood the prayer.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

           If I surrender to Your will,

          So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

          And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

I came to understand it myself thanks to Paula Dean.

I cannot change that I have MS.  I do understand I do have some limitations.  I do get fatigued when I have a lapse.  An orange or a piece of cake gives me energy and it takes care of the lack of energy.  Anything to give me quick energy will do.  I guss fruit would be healthier but a piece of cake is so delicious and sinful.  I love cake!!

OK I will try to eat better.   Excercise.  Running after a one year old is all the excercise I really want.  OK  I will go for walks during hours when it is not so hot outside.  Maybe the evening is good.  I live in an area where there is not a lot of shade or sidewalk.  I will have to enlist the help of my girls.

Now for a job.  I am looking for a position.  A position having to do with the legal field.  It will have to be full time in order to receive benefits.  Well it is not easy.  I do not have legal experience.  It does not matter that I worked in one of the legal offices at the school system.   I do not have court room experience.  In order to have court room experience I have to find a job to gain experience.  I have other things that are in my way.  I have to take it one day at a time like the prayer says.

I am not trying to tell you what to do BUT...

I wish I could erase those words from the english language.  People say that just before they give you their brand of advice.  I wish I could tell them to keep their advice. 

I know that people mean well.  I know they think that they are wiser and are giving me excellent advice.  Well most of the time they are telling me things I already know and already thought of. 

Get a job because after this I will not be helping you anymore.  I know you have your own dreams and ambitions.  The money you have painstaking saved is for your own pleasure.  The thing is I have been looking for a job.  Unfortunately I have to take into account my limitations.  Which are than goodness few.  I have to consider that I have bills I have to pay like car insurance.  After all I need the car to find a job.  I have to find a job that pays enough for daycare.  I have a lot to consider.  I am not going to do something I do not love.

I raised two wonderful girls.  I never gave them advice.  I forced them to think things through and make their own decisions.  I asked them to consider all the options and then decide what would be the best option. 

A one year old is different.  For him it is a matter of keeping him busy.  That does not mean plying him with toys.  It means letting him discover new things. 

Except for playing in the toilet because that is just disgusting.

Laughing When You Want to Cry

I have an unusual family.  We are very strage.  When something happens that makes normal people cry.  We laugh.

I know it seems insensitive to most people.  Let me explain.  My husband and I do not see the point of being upset about something that does not go our way.  If it was not meant to be, then it was not meant to be. We joke about it and have a good laugh.  It is a defense mechanism.  We realize that we are disapppointed but there is no changing the outcome.  Therefore, we laugh.

The only thing my husband refuses to laugh about is my MS.  I tried making a joke about it and he told me to never joke about it.  I think he is really scared for me.  It is too bad because it helps me cope if I joke about it

Like the way my son and I look alike when we walk.  He is learning how to walk.  At least he will get better at walking.  I think we look cute walking the way we do. 

When I forget to do something I used to blame the MS.  He really got mad about that one. 

His other coping mechanism is to pretend it is not happening.  Unfortunately, that does not work for me.  I have to be the one in this body.  I cannot pretend it is not happening.  I know it seems like he is not being sensitive.  He just does not know what to do. 

So if you are ever dealing with something that seems hard just laugh.  Laugh until you cry.

Not so Angry Brown Woman

Today I am not so angry.  I am still not sleeping well.  The baby sleeps in his own bed through the night. 

I learned that I do not have to run every time he cries.  It relieves some of the stress.  I do not have to be supermom.  I can just be mom.

I still worry about bills.  Then I hear my kids laugh at each other.  They are good kids.  I have dreams and I will one day realize those dreams.  There are steps I have to take.
Step One: I need to find a job.
Step Two: I have to trust my husband and myself.  We both have to learn to manage our money better. 
Step Three:I have to learn to trust others again.  I have to get back to the place where I was a giving person.
Step Four:  I have to let go of old hurts.  

All of this sounds good when you write it down.  It is harder to do.  Much harder.

From the Angry Brown Woman Files

I am angry today.  Earlier today I was feeling sorry for myself.  Now I am angry.  I am angry that I cannot sit at home with my kids. I cannot because I am scared that I will not be well enough to handle them.  I also realize that kids are expensive and I have to work.  I am angry that life has dealt me these cards. 

I am angry I was not strong enough to keep that guy off of me.  I then did the stupidest thing ever and thought I could get revenge by having sex with him again and then rejecting him.  I was not pretty enough then. I was not very smart then either.

I am paying for that now. 

I did not want to care about working for the school system.  I cared too much. 

When my supervisor let me go because I demonstrated that I did not care anymore.  I wanted to scream that I did care but I did not want to be mistreated anymore.  I did not want calls after work.  Calls that were about issues that could be handled by co-worker.  I did not want to hear angry speeches about the Spanish speaking population.  My grandfather's family is from Venezuela.  My parents are immigrants from another country.   

I just wanted to do my job.  I wanted to do my job well.  I did not want to be asked what if it were my kids.  All those kids were my kids.  That is the way I viewed those kids.

What is wrong with doing my job and being proud of the outcome?  What is wrong with doing my job well and helping parents who believed that their kid did something they would never be able to come back from.  All kids deserve a second chance.

The school system began to leave those kids behind.  I guess I could not separate my personal  feelings from my job.

I am angry at myself.  I think I said that before.  I guess I am repeating myself.  Forgive me.  I just needed to get it off my chest.

Job Hunt

I am still plugging away at finding a job.  I am getting a little depressed.  OK a lot depressed.  I keep wondering what more I can do.  I cannot think of anything.  When I lost my job at the school system people said it was because I needed a break from work.  That was a bunch of crap.  I needed help. 

I need help now.  I just spent the morning running after a very energetic one year old. 

I do not ask for help because no one wanted to help me before and I do not trust anyone now. 

They say just call and I will help you.  When you call them too much they feel that you are not helping yourself.  They get tired of you.

I do not need their charity.  I need a job. 

I do not want to jump into any job.  Physical labor is not an option for me.  I want to find a job that I can be at for years to come.  I want to be able to use my talents.

I am starting to believe that I am not good enough.

HE Does Not Like Me!!

Have you ever felt that life was beating you up?  I have felt that way for some time. 

This has not been a good week.  First I fell down.  The bruise on my arm is healing very well.  I nearly fell down the stairs while holding my son.  Luckily my daughter was behind me and caught me before I came tumbling down the stairs.  My husband is feeling stressed.  He does not talk to me.  He never was a big talker.  I stopped taking it personally when he snaps my head off. 

My youngest daughter and my son are the only ones in our family that are having a good week.  She got to see the 'Avengers' with her father.  She loved being the center of attention.  Her father did not like the the new Hulk.  My daughter loved everyone including the Hulk.  She even liked the characters whose movies she had not seen. 

With the bad week came doubt about whether or not I am doing the right thing.  I will miss being at home.  I am torn about whether or not to be home.  However, I know that there is more of a chance of an accident happening if I am home alone.  I also felt very unloved.  I started to think, "Why have you foresaken me?" 

Having MS does limit the type of work  I can do.  I have to think about if I am going to be stressed out doing this type of job.  It is difficult to find something that will allow me to have minimal stress. Will I be allowed to eat when I want?  Will it be air conditioned?  Will there be alot of walking?  So much to consider when looking for a job.

I had my doubt then I say my mantra.  "Why not me?"

I have learned so much.  My husband may have his moments but he always apologizes.  My daughters help me more than anyone knows.  They have matured and stepped up to the plate.  My son even laughs when he makes a mistake. 

I learned that the only thing making me unhappy is me.

I had a cat.

I had a cat named Hanna.  She was a sweet cat.  I got her when she was a kitten.  Her ears were as big as her head.

She loved to follow me every where I went.  No matter how many times I told her to leave me alone when I was in a  bad mood.  She was a sweet cat.  The only thing she did not like were little boys that bothered her.  Hanna would hiss at them to warn them to leave her alone. 

I named her after one of my favorite characters.  Her full name was Han Solo.  Since she was female I decided Hanna would be more fitting. 

She lived until she was 16 years old. 

She was very protective.  One of my favorite memories is when she would follow my youngest daughter to the school bus.  They were pals.  Hanna still loved Amelia even after she put her in the dryer.  (Do not worry Hanna was discovered before I put on the dryer.)

Hanna was also known as the neighborhood cat.  She kept the lizards and stray cats away from every one's property.  She even kept some dogs away. That is how she met her end. There was a dog that played a little too rough with Hanna. Her old body could not take it. By the time we got outside to shoo the dog away, it was too late. My husband picked her up and laid her down. It saddened us all. I always say she died the way she lived. She was protecting her family.That is how she met her end. There was a dog that played a little too rough with Hanna. Her old body could not take it. By the time we got outside to shoo the dog away, it was too late. My husband picked her up and laid her down. It saddened us all. I always say she died the way she lived. She was protecting her family.

Angry Brown Woman

When my second daughter was learning about her colors she asked me why did people say she was black.  She is a very logical child.  She said, "I am not black.  I am brown."  I like that so I decided to refer to myself as brown. 

A few days ago I was angry.  I was angry at people who never called to see how I was doing.  I was angry that the twenty jobs I applied to that was close to home never called.  I was angry at everything and anyone.  I was just angry. 

I realized that I had to stop being angry.  I checked on everyone when I called them for help.  I was angry that  I realized I never called just to see how people were doing.  Therefore, I cannot complain about no one calling me. Talk about do unto others. 

Now I do not call anyone because I do not lie to people anymore.  When I call and ask "How are you?"  Their immediate response is "Fine. How are you?"  When people ask me I do not say fine anymore because I am not fine. 

I am angry.

I do not want to say, "Oh, I was not feeling well a couple of days ago.  I went downstairs in the middle of the night.  I was trying to hurry because the baby was crying.  I was reaching for the milk and my feet got away from me.  I fell on my back and hit my head."  No one wants to sit and listen to that story.  You do not want to even want to read that story. 

Now I know what you are thinking.  My MS.  It might have been my MS.  But since I have always been a natural klutz there is no telling.  It is a mystery even to me.  I am leaning toward my cat-like agility.  :)
 
I guess I could say, "I could be better."

Anyway, I decided to change myself and not try to change others.  If I truly care about what happens to a person or I want to catch up, then I will go to Facebook.  That is where everyone hangs out now. 

Many people would say that I am antisocial.  I really am not. I am on Facebook.  The most social social network.  

Or am I antisocial?  Who knows.  All I know is that I open myself to others and they take advantage. 

I have to be more careful because I will be used up if I keep giving to others.  I already have to give to my kids.  I do not want to have nothing left for my husband or myself. 

Angry Brown Woman Out.  Wait that is a good name for a blog.

Living with an Alcoholic

When I was growing up I just wanted to not have attention called on me.  I wanted to be invisible.  I hated being looked at.  I hated being put on the spot.  So you can understand how terrible it was for a person who does not like to be seen, to have anyone point her out.  Even when someone was telling me how proud they were of me.  Even when they are showing me affection.

Imagine my horror when I realize the man I love is the very type of person I despise.  Talk about love/hate relationship. 

I grew up trying to get away from an alcoholic and I end up marrying one.

I would love for him to completely stop drinking.  He has slowed down considerably but he has not stopped.  The years I have been with him have been interesting.

There was the time he got so drunk that he thought he was in the bathroom and he nearly pissed on the floor.

The car accident with a mailbox is not what caused him to slow down.  The day he was yelling at me and scared me so bad only made him stop drinking white vodka.  What made him slow down was the thought that his kids might be in danger of losing their home.

He will never stop completely but he understands that drinking is something he has to be in control of or he will lose everything. 

Why do I stay? 

I know I will never change him and I will never try to change him.  I just want to make his life a little better.  I will help him find himself.  Deep in my heart I know he is meant for great things. 

Unconditional love.  He saved me from destroying myself by telling me that I had been raped.  He helped me face the fact that I have MS.  He helps me raise the children I so desperately wanted.  He loves me even though I have made plenty of mistakes in my life.  He takes care of me now.  He will take care of me when I get older. 

Letting Go

Some of you may have heard 'let go and let God'.  I am not ashamed to tell you I never really understood the saying.  Today I finally understood. 

My mortgage is late.  Unpaid bills are piling up. 

I did not think about any of it today.  I watched my kids be silly.  I made sure my kids ate their dinner.  I was mommy. 

I do not think my kids were too happy to have old mommy back.  I was easy on them.  To be honest I have spoiled them from the moment they were born.  I guess since I was told I would not be a good mother so long ago that I have been trying to prove that I am worthy of being a mom. 

 I realized today that they need old mommy as much as they need new mommy.

I let go and stopped worrying.  I stopped worrying about if I was a good mom and I just let my self be a good mom.  I let go. 

I stopped worrying about bills.  I let go. 

I watched the 'Lion King' with my kids.  I sang 'Hakuna Matata'.  After all it means no worries.  (You can learn so much from cartoon movies.)

I have obstacles but no worries.  I let go.

 

Job Search

I am still waiting for a job.  I have tried everything.  I have been called for job interviews but they did not happen.  The jobs were too far away or it was a scam.  I have my resume in with many state agencies.  I have even put my resume in with a couple of employment agencies.  What really sucks is that I cannot choose any job.  Life will not allow me to do that.  I am forced into being selective. 
The position cannot be too far away because I am not that great a driver.  A desk job that is in the area is what I am limited to.  Now my car is in need of a new tire and an oil change.  I have a toddler and my girls are in need of going to the doctor.  I was denied Medicaid because my husband does not have time to look for a letter indicating that he has lost his job.  I am qualified to do so much but I keep reaching a road block.  I am either over qualified or underqualified for certain positions.  It is a Catch-22.  I want to give up hope but I cannot because I feel that God has something out there for me.  I just have to find it.

Nothing happens as planned.

Since I was a child of 12 I thought I would die by the time I was 20.  I was a depressed kid.

I also dreamed I would have a big house and two kids.  I never dreamed of a husband because I thought no one would love me. 

Well something went horribly wrong.

I am still alive at the age of 37.  I have three kids instead of two.  (It would have been four but I had that abortion.)

I do not have a big house.  I have a house that is the right size for me.

I am married to a great man who loves me. 

I did not die at the age of 20. 

Well what went wrong.  I guess I am not done yet.

The Movies

I miss going to the movies.  I have been focusing on finding work.  I want to see movies.  I love seeing movies.  I was even going to watch a 1982 movie called "Cat People".  I could not watch the whole movie.  It sucked then and I was reminded that it sucks as I watched the first few minutes of the movie.  The acting was terrible and the effects were awful.  I just could not bring myself to watch it.

Bucket List

I just read an article on Yahoo about parents whose 5 month old daughter has a rare disease and will die some day.  http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/parents-bucket-list-dying-baby-girl-goes-viral-180155213--abc-news-topstories.html
They wrote a bucket list for their daughter. 

For those of you who do not know what a bucket list is let me tell you.  There is a movie called the Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.  It is a good movie.  They do things before the kick the bucket.  Hence the name of the movie.  To find out more about the movie go to http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/.

It made me think about my own bucket list.  I have done many of the things I wanted to do.  I want to see my children reach the age of 25.  I want to see them happy and satisfied with their life.  I want to go to every diner, drive-in, and dive.  I want to be alive and see my husband actually clean-up after himself.  I want to be alive when they find a cure for MS. 

It is not an extensive list.  It is not a creative list.  I do not care about seeing other countries or sky-diving.  I know that I am not very exciting.  I am a simple person with simple dreams. 

I love my life even when we are going through economic problems.  I will always be a worrier even when things are going well.  I will just wait for the next problem to arrive.  I would love it if I did not have quite so many problems.  I am trying to remove the drama from my life and I guess that is impossible.  Besides how else am I to know I am alive if I do not have a problem to overcome.

Chosen Few

I do not like many people.  I try to be nice to everyone I meet.  Unfortunately, it does not take me very long to size a person up.  After I do this I give it ome time and  I observe the way the person acts.  I tak in what they say. 

You never should go on first impressions.  When you first meet someone they put on their "Sunday best".   There are only a chosen few that I like after seeing them without their "Sunday best".

They basically show you their good side.  Their "Sunday Best".

No one wants to associate with someone who is down right mean and depressing.  If people got to know the real me then they would understand that the first impression that I give off is a lie.  I am not cheery.  I am not patient.  What I show them is my "Sunday best".

I do understand wanting people to like you.  That is why people will show their "Sunday best".  I like meeting new people.  I want people to like me and I do want to get to know different kinds of people.  It is just that what is underneath my "Sunday Best" is not as attractive as what is on the outside.

There are only a chosen few that I take the time to get to know beyond their "Sunday best".

Grudges

I wondered if to write this or not.  I do not want to seem like I am not grateful for all my blessings I am thankful for everything that has been given to me. 

I do carry grudges.  The only thing that is different is that I let them go and move on. 

There is a whole list of things that I am upset about.  Many of my grudges are toward myself. 

I am mad at myself for making excuses to myself for different reasons. 

What kind of grudges?

OK.   You pulled my leg.

I am mad at myself for not believing the doctor when I was diagnosed with MS.  I am mad at myself for allowing people to believe what they wanted about me and my husband. 

I am mad that when I asked for help and people turned their back I figured they were too busy and did not have time. 

I am mad that I did not have the courage to say that I forgave my father for his alcoholism years ago.  I am mad that I did not tell people that I was angry at believing that I would not be a good mother.

I am mad at God for making me so needy.  I want to stand on my own two feet but I get so tired. 

I just want to visit all the restaurants on the food network.  I want to have a vacation with my family at a great hotel and just lay around.

Well being mad does no one any good.  Besides my kids trust that there is nothing their parents cannot do.

Disciplining People Who Look Like You

Do you know what is harder than disciplining another person's child?  Disciplining your own child is very difficult.  I love my kids and when they smile I smile too.  They know that is my weekness. 

When I say to do something or I tell them they should not to do something, they say something that makes me smile and discipline goes out the window.  My husband says that the way I speak to the kids is not very intimidating.  My response is that they are so cute but I am at least I am sticking to my decisions.  I used to give in and let them get away with things. 

For instance, my eldest daughter asked to not go to school today.  I told her no.  She had to go to school.  Then she said that she did not understand why she had to go.  She said that there was only a month or two left of school.  She complained that they were not doing anything.  My response was that her father did not want to go to work but he had to go.  Her response was that at least he made money.  I had no response for that logic.  I am not about to start paying her to go to school.  I feed them and clothe them. 

I said I understood but that my decision was final.  She was not pleased but she went to school. 

My youngest daughter is fond of arguing her point.  She is very persistent.  She also likes to point out that she saw me smile and that I am not serious.  Unfortunately, I do smile and again discipline is out the window.

I have decided not to fight the battle.  Every time I tell them to do something I am going to smile.  It will confuse them but I can stop trying to be stern all the time. 

Can you discipline these faces?

Waiting and waiting

I feel powerless.  I am waiting for one of the positions I applied for and for my state tax refund.  It is the waiting game.  I feel helpless.  I guess that all I can do is sit and wait.

National Sibling Day

I told myself I was going to write up lifting things but something went wrong. 

I decided to write what I want and damn the man.  OK I hope you are ready for it.  National Sibling Day!!  Come on a day to celebrate the people you thought were a cruel joke on you when you were younger. 

I know when I was little that I thought my sibling was some kind of cruel joke.  I wanted a dog.  I got a brother instead.  I used to come up with scenarios about how I was left in a trash can and this was not my brother.  We were not related. 

I really wanted a dog. 

I am going to commemorate the person that beat the crap out of me once he got taller than me

I really wanted a dog.

I could not even play with him like  my baby dolls.  Something about a soft spot or some such nonsense. 

I really wanted a dog.

I eventually got a dog after he asked for one.  She was a german shephad Doberman mix.  In plain English a mutt.  She was abused as a puppy and feared strangers.

Where is national scratch your butt and make rude sounds day.  Or national me day.  A day to celebrate me.

Happy Birthday Connor!

My husband and I were joking this morning because my son's first birthday was yesterday.  He said another one survived a year.  I said that I made some mistakes but I think I did well because I did not accidentally kill him.  He said that it had nothing to do with me.  He pointed out that all of our kids are pretty resilient.

Ugliness of Human Nature

I recently came face to face with the ugliness of human nature. 

I talked about the word mandacity awhile ago.  It is an ugly part of human nature.  Some people do not mean to lie.  Often times they say what people want to hear.  Other times they lie for someone's own good.  What gives them the right to decide what is best for another person. 

People sometimes say they will do things and then later say that is not what they meant.  They then say they will not do it until certain conditions are met. 

Who puts a condition on kindness?  I think if you are being kind then you do not put conditions on it.  "If I do this, then I expect this."  Just say you cannot do something.  As they say... "I have my big girl panties on."  I will live. 

I try to let my family know that as long as they say they are sorry for what they did then I will forgive them.  It is an ugly part of human nature.

Enough is enough...

I am getting tired of complaining and living in cyber world.  I am tired of Facebook. 

I do not care that so-and-so got a new whatever.  I am tired of living on this computer. 

My life is more than that.  I am more than that. 

I was thinking of the jobs I have had in my life.  Gather around and let me tell you about the gems I have had.  When I was in high school I volunteered but it felt like work.  I worked in a doctor's office.  I assisted the secretary.  I did things like take the patient files and organize them.  It was the fist time I ever heard of babies being born without an anus.  The doctor had to do surgery and create an intestinal track for the children.  It was major surgery.  I felt so sorry for those babies.  I could not imagine what that would be like.  I did what the secretary needed me to do. 

After that I volunteered in my high school.  I volunteered in the library.  It was a nice hang-out for the kids in my school.  Very little reading was done.  There was a lot of giggling and talking. 

Then I went to college.  I did my work-study in the economics department as a secretary aid.  I typed in people's grades.  There was answering the phone and other things.  It helped me with expenses at school.  I did the Burger King job for a while.  I woke up at the crack of dawn to serve breakfast.  That job was fun.  I got to eat as many french toast sticks as I wanted.  When I occasionally worked the afternoon shift I ate as many chicken sandwiches, onion rings, and whopper juniors as I could. 

I eventually got a job at this pizza place.  I created some work of art pizzas.  There were a bunch of delivery guys.  We joked around and ate pizza on slow nights.  After my second paycheck bounced I looked for another type of work.  (Don't worry I got my money in cash after telling the owner about the bounced checks.) 

My next job was at a place called Baja Burrito.  The owner would not hire me at first but I was persistent.  I went back there until she hired me.  I am happy I did not give up.  I ate tacos and burritos until I was sick.  They were delicious.  I did some damage to the nacho supply also. 

If you have not noticed the theme in college was to work where the food was.  A college kid has to eat. 

After I graduated I worked at a daycare.  I quit there because I did not like that the owner dismissed the concern I had for one of the kids.  Being just out of college I did not know what to do about my concerns and since there seemed to be an explanation for the bruises I saw on one child there was very little I could do. 

After the day care I worked at a place where they did tutoring.  That was a good job but I had to find a new job after discovering I was pregnant.  I liked it there.  Then I found a new job with the school system.  After losing my job I decided to go and get my legal certificate.  I liked worked on that while adjusting to my MS medication.  I did well even though the MS medication made me sick.  Then I worked as a telemarketer.  I did not enjoy that job at all.  I gathered information for the sales staff.  I was good at my job but I did not like what was being said and the tactics they used to make a sale.  After that it was the call center.  I got pregnant  and quit the job because I did not want to put the baby in harms way.  It was an unplanned pregnancy and I love little man. . 

Now I am just waiting for my next job.  Put in my resume with the state.  State jobs take forever to tell you if you can have an interview.  Wish me luck.