Last Will and Testament

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I was in a really bad funk.  The thing is that I was thinking about when I die.  It may be depressing but it is a fact of life.  People are born and then they die.  It bummed me out.  I started to think of the well being of my kids.  I hope my husband outlives me. 

If he does out live me then I know my kids will be well taken care of.  I often times tell him that he would make a better mom than me.  He is more patient than I am. 

I have nothing monetary wise to leave to my kids. I have been out of work for almost 2 years.

If my husband and I die together like in a world will end type movie, then I do not know what we will do.  I have heard it said that you never know who to leave your kids with because no one will raise them the way you would. 

In a perfect world my kids will be grown and I will be able to leave them enough money to help them in the future. 

Another reason why I was thinking about such a morbid subject is because one of the suggestions made on a blog was to get you finances together.  I have to think of the future.  I realized that what is here may be gone tomorrow.  I guess that is why my husband does not make plans for the future.  I do make plans.  I feel the moment I stop making plans then I have given up on one day having them find a cure for MS.

The bed wetter

There are particular sheets that I have to wash almost every day.  The reason is because of the bedwetter.  They do not mean to wet the bed.  The dreams about rain and running water do not help.  I have done everything from threatening to making bedtime as late as possible.  The child is healthy.  It is just unfortunate that it is rather difficult to wake up out of sleep and go to the bathroom. 

I tried waking them in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  That is met with resistance.  I have tried many things but nothing seems to work.  They say the child will grow out of it.  Hopefully they will before I have to resort to drastic measures.  I do not know what those measures are but I am sure they will be drastic in nature. 

If you have a suggestion, I would love to hear it.

When your little girl is not so little

One day you have this precious little one.  All you want to do is hold her and protect her.  You are careful about what she eats.  About what she does.  All you want to do is hold her and keep her safe.

You know that you cannot keep her under lock and key but if you could you would.

She is not a little one.

You hope you have taught her well.

There is no guarantee. You just have to go on faith.

My girl when she was a baby.

My teenager now.  She is babysitting

Why do you not go to church?

Some people have ask me to go to church with them.  I often say yes.  I do not have a church 'home'.  I am open to new experiences.  I do not think I will ever have a church 'home'.

I do not like the thought of someone giving me their version of God.

I believe in God.  I just do not believe any one person is right.

God is a mystery.  A mystery we will never figure out.  At least I will never figure out.

I once asked a priest why there is so much war at the beginning of the Bible.  He did not answer in any way.  He just said that I needed to read each section of the Bible as separate books.
I do not understand why he just did not say that he did not know.  I would have respected that answer.

I decided to make it my mission to read as many books as I could about the Bible.  I even read the Bible. 

I realized reading all the books about the Bible was just like going to church.  I was allowing someone else to influence my thinking trough written word.

I understand I should go to church because it builds community.  People with a similar beleif coming together.  What if I do not agree with the community?  I am joining the church to socialize and to talk about similar beliefs. 

What if I want to believe that God has etched out a path for me to follow.  What if I want to believe my God really leaves it all up to us and he just leaves it all up to us?  What if I want to believe that God is just a giant mirror?

In that mirror we see what makes us great and we see our flaws.  We were made in His image.  What if we see ourselves when we die?  Would it not make sense that the image be our own.

It is something to think about.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

The kids are in the bed. The dog is walking around and enjoying the quiet.  My husband is playing this annoying game called 'Call of Duty'. (Sorry fans of 'Call of Duty'.  I just cannot get into it.  I am a 'Final Fantasy' fan.)  Anyway, the day has ended.  So far we have had 3 calls about bills we do not have money for.  No calls about jobs.  I am a little disappointed about not getting a call for an interview.  I mean come on!

Well I was sitting here bored.  It is late but I could not sleep.  I have been praying for my family.  I started to think about the pictures I have on file.  I looked at the pictures of my kids.  I looked at the pictures of my deceased cat.  I looked at pictures of my dog.  Then I came across a picture of a dragonfly.  For some reason I felt compelled to take the picture awhile back.

I looked at the picture and realized just how ugly the dragonflies are.  It looks so majestic when it is flying through the air.  It reminds me of what a fairy might looks like when it flies.  Then you take a closer look and you realize just how ugly it is.

I took the picture because it is ugly!  Ugly and unique!

No matter how ugly and different something is you can find something beautiful about it.  Hey!  I would not be married to my husband now if it was not for his light brown eyes.  The unique way he made me feel.  My husband was a bean pole of a man when I met him.  A weird man who wore shades at night. 

He is a cutey patooty now. 

You have to appreciate the beauty of ugly things.  They might surprise you.

Serenity

I was watching OWN one night.  It was a tiring day I chased after my son with my daughters' help.  I did not do much just tried to maintain.  That is all I am doing these days.  Just trying to maintain.  Maintain our house.  Maintain my sanity.  That is what I am doing.  Maintaining.

Anyway, I was watching Paula Dean on OWN.  She was talking about how she would say the 'Serenity' prayer when she was down and things looked hopeless.  She said one day she finally understood the prayer.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

           If I surrender to Your will,

          So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

          And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

I came to understand it myself thanks to Paula Dean.

I cannot change that I have MS.  I do understand I do have some limitations.  I do get fatigued when I have a lapse.  An orange or a piece of cake gives me energy and it takes care of the lack of energy.  Anything to give me quick energy will do.  I guss fruit would be healthier but a piece of cake is so delicious and sinful.  I love cake!!

OK I will try to eat better.   Excercise.  Running after a one year old is all the excercise I really want.  OK  I will go for walks during hours when it is not so hot outside.  Maybe the evening is good.  I live in an area where there is not a lot of shade or sidewalk.  I will have to enlist the help of my girls.

Now for a job.  I am looking for a position.  A position having to do with the legal field.  It will have to be full time in order to receive benefits.  Well it is not easy.  I do not have legal experience.  It does not matter that I worked in one of the legal offices at the school system.   I do not have court room experience.  In order to have court room experience I have to find a job to gain experience.  I have other things that are in my way.  I have to take it one day at a time like the prayer says.

I am not trying to tell you what to do BUT...

I wish I could erase those words from the english language.  People say that just before they give you their brand of advice.  I wish I could tell them to keep their advice. 

I know that people mean well.  I know they think that they are wiser and are giving me excellent advice.  Well most of the time they are telling me things I already know and already thought of. 

Get a job because after this I will not be helping you anymore.  I know you have your own dreams and ambitions.  The money you have painstaking saved is for your own pleasure.  The thing is I have been looking for a job.  Unfortunately I have to take into account my limitations.  Which are than goodness few.  I have to consider that I have bills I have to pay like car insurance.  After all I need the car to find a job.  I have to find a job that pays enough for daycare.  I have a lot to consider.  I am not going to do something I do not love.

I raised two wonderful girls.  I never gave them advice.  I forced them to think things through and make their own decisions.  I asked them to consider all the options and then decide what would be the best option. 

A one year old is different.  For him it is a matter of keeping him busy.  That does not mean plying him with toys.  It means letting him discover new things. 

Except for playing in the toilet because that is just disgusting.

Laughing When You Want to Cry

I have an unusual family.  We are very strage.  When something happens that makes normal people cry.  We laugh.

I know it seems insensitive to most people.  Let me explain.  My husband and I do not see the point of being upset about something that does not go our way.  If it was not meant to be, then it was not meant to be. We joke about it and have a good laugh.  It is a defense mechanism.  We realize that we are disapppointed but there is no changing the outcome.  Therefore, we laugh.

The only thing my husband refuses to laugh about is my MS.  I tried making a joke about it and he told me to never joke about it.  I think he is really scared for me.  It is too bad because it helps me cope if I joke about it

Like the way my son and I look alike when we walk.  He is learning how to walk.  At least he will get better at walking.  I think we look cute walking the way we do. 

When I forget to do something I used to blame the MS.  He really got mad about that one. 

His other coping mechanism is to pretend it is not happening.  Unfortunately, that does not work for me.  I have to be the one in this body.  I cannot pretend it is not happening.  I know it seems like he is not being sensitive.  He just does not know what to do. 

So if you are ever dealing with something that seems hard just laugh.  Laugh until you cry.

Not so Angry Brown Woman

Today I am not so angry.  I am still not sleeping well.  The baby sleeps in his own bed through the night. 

I learned that I do not have to run every time he cries.  It relieves some of the stress.  I do not have to be supermom.  I can just be mom.

I still worry about bills.  Then I hear my kids laugh at each other.  They are good kids.  I have dreams and I will one day realize those dreams.  There are steps I have to take.
Step One: I need to find a job.
Step Two: I have to trust my husband and myself.  We both have to learn to manage our money better. 
Step Three:I have to learn to trust others again.  I have to get back to the place where I was a giving person.
Step Four:  I have to let go of old hurts.  

All of this sounds good when you write it down.  It is harder to do.  Much harder.

From the Angry Brown Woman Files

I am angry today.  Earlier today I was feeling sorry for myself.  Now I am angry.  I am angry that I cannot sit at home with my kids. I cannot because I am scared that I will not be well enough to handle them.  I also realize that kids are expensive and I have to work.  I am angry that life has dealt me these cards. 

I am angry I was not strong enough to keep that guy off of me.  I then did the stupidest thing ever and thought I could get revenge by having sex with him again and then rejecting him.  I was not pretty enough then. I was not very smart then either.

I am paying for that now. 

I did not want to care about working for the school system.  I cared too much. 

When my supervisor let me go because I demonstrated that I did not care anymore.  I wanted to scream that I did care but I did not want to be mistreated anymore.  I did not want calls after work.  Calls that were about issues that could be handled by co-worker.  I did not want to hear angry speeches about the Spanish speaking population.  My grandfather's family is from Venezuela.  My parents are immigrants from another country.   

I just wanted to do my job.  I wanted to do my job well.  I did not want to be asked what if it were my kids.  All those kids were my kids.  That is the way I viewed those kids.

What is wrong with doing my job and being proud of the outcome?  What is wrong with doing my job well and helping parents who believed that their kid did something they would never be able to come back from.  All kids deserve a second chance.

The school system began to leave those kids behind.  I guess I could not separate my personal  feelings from my job.

I am angry at myself.  I think I said that before.  I guess I am repeating myself.  Forgive me.  I just needed to get it off my chest.

Job Hunt

I am still plugging away at finding a job.  I am getting a little depressed.  OK a lot depressed.  I keep wondering what more I can do.  I cannot think of anything.  When I lost my job at the school system people said it was because I needed a break from work.  That was a bunch of crap.  I needed help. 

I need help now.  I just spent the morning running after a very energetic one year old. 

I do not ask for help because no one wanted to help me before and I do not trust anyone now. 

They say just call and I will help you.  When you call them too much they feel that you are not helping yourself.  They get tired of you.

I do not need their charity.  I need a job. 

I do not want to jump into any job.  Physical labor is not an option for me.  I want to find a job that I can be at for years to come.  I want to be able to use my talents.

I am starting to believe that I am not good enough.

HE Does Not Like Me!!

Have you ever felt that life was beating you up?  I have felt that way for some time. 

This has not been a good week.  First I fell down.  The bruise on my arm is healing very well.  I nearly fell down the stairs while holding my son.  Luckily my daughter was behind me and caught me before I came tumbling down the stairs.  My husband is feeling stressed.  He does not talk to me.  He never was a big talker.  I stopped taking it personally when he snaps my head off. 

My youngest daughter and my son are the only ones in our family that are having a good week.  She got to see the 'Avengers' with her father.  She loved being the center of attention.  Her father did not like the the new Hulk.  My daughter loved everyone including the Hulk.  She even liked the characters whose movies she had not seen. 

With the bad week came doubt about whether or not I am doing the right thing.  I will miss being at home.  I am torn about whether or not to be home.  However, I know that there is more of a chance of an accident happening if I am home alone.  I also felt very unloved.  I started to think, "Why have you foresaken me?" 

Having MS does limit the type of work  I can do.  I have to think about if I am going to be stressed out doing this type of job.  It is difficult to find something that will allow me to have minimal stress. Will I be allowed to eat when I want?  Will it be air conditioned?  Will there be alot of walking?  So much to consider when looking for a job.

I had my doubt then I say my mantra.  "Why not me?"

I have learned so much.  My husband may have his moments but he always apologizes.  My daughters help me more than anyone knows.  They have matured and stepped up to the plate.  My son even laughs when he makes a mistake. 

I learned that the only thing making me unhappy is me.

I had a cat.

I had a cat named Hanna.  She was a sweet cat.  I got her when she was a kitten.  Her ears were as big as her head.

She loved to follow me every where I went.  No matter how many times I told her to leave me alone when I was in a  bad mood.  She was a sweet cat.  The only thing she did not like were little boys that bothered her.  Hanna would hiss at them to warn them to leave her alone. 

I named her after one of my favorite characters.  Her full name was Han Solo.  Since she was female I decided Hanna would be more fitting. 

She lived until she was 16 years old. 

She was very protective.  One of my favorite memories is when she would follow my youngest daughter to the school bus.  They were pals.  Hanna still loved Amelia even after she put her in the dryer.  (Do not worry Hanna was discovered before I put on the dryer.)

Hanna was also known as the neighborhood cat.  She kept the lizards and stray cats away from every one's property.  She even kept some dogs away. That is how she met her end. There was a dog that played a little too rough with Hanna. Her old body could not take it. By the time we got outside to shoo the dog away, it was too late. My husband picked her up and laid her down. It saddened us all. I always say she died the way she lived. She was protecting her family.That is how she met her end. There was a dog that played a little too rough with Hanna. Her old body could not take it. By the time we got outside to shoo the dog away, it was too late. My husband picked her up and laid her down. It saddened us all. I always say she died the way she lived. She was protecting her family.

Angry Brown Woman

When my second daughter was learning about her colors she asked me why did people say she was black.  She is a very logical child.  She said, "I am not black.  I am brown."  I like that so I decided to refer to myself as brown. 

A few days ago I was angry.  I was angry at people who never called to see how I was doing.  I was angry that the twenty jobs I applied to that was close to home never called.  I was angry at everything and anyone.  I was just angry. 

I realized that I had to stop being angry.  I checked on everyone when I called them for help.  I was angry that  I realized I never called just to see how people were doing.  Therefore, I cannot complain about no one calling me. Talk about do unto others. 

Now I do not call anyone because I do not lie to people anymore.  When I call and ask "How are you?"  Their immediate response is "Fine. How are you?"  When people ask me I do not say fine anymore because I am not fine. 

I am angry.

I do not want to say, "Oh, I was not feeling well a couple of days ago.  I went downstairs in the middle of the night.  I was trying to hurry because the baby was crying.  I was reaching for the milk and my feet got away from me.  I fell on my back and hit my head."  No one wants to sit and listen to that story.  You do not want to even want to read that story. 

Now I know what you are thinking.  My MS.  It might have been my MS.  But since I have always been a natural klutz there is no telling.  It is a mystery even to me.  I am leaning toward my cat-like agility.  :)
 
I guess I could say, "I could be better."

Anyway, I decided to change myself and not try to change others.  If I truly care about what happens to a person or I want to catch up, then I will go to Facebook.  That is where everyone hangs out now. 

Many people would say that I am antisocial.  I really am not. I am on Facebook.  The most social social network.  

Or am I antisocial?  Who knows.  All I know is that I open myself to others and they take advantage. 

I have to be more careful because I will be used up if I keep giving to others.  I already have to give to my kids.  I do not want to have nothing left for my husband or myself. 

Angry Brown Woman Out.  Wait that is a good name for a blog.

Living with an Alcoholic

When I was growing up I just wanted to not have attention called on me.  I wanted to be invisible.  I hated being looked at.  I hated being put on the spot.  So you can understand how terrible it was for a person who does not like to be seen, to have anyone point her out.  Even when someone was telling me how proud they were of me.  Even when they are showing me affection.

Imagine my horror when I realize the man I love is the very type of person I despise.  Talk about love/hate relationship. 

I grew up trying to get away from an alcoholic and I end up marrying one.

I would love for him to completely stop drinking.  He has slowed down considerably but he has not stopped.  The years I have been with him have been interesting.

There was the time he got so drunk that he thought he was in the bathroom and he nearly pissed on the floor.

The car accident with a mailbox is not what caused him to slow down.  The day he was yelling at me and scared me so bad only made him stop drinking white vodka.  What made him slow down was the thought that his kids might be in danger of losing their home.

He will never stop completely but he understands that drinking is something he has to be in control of or he will lose everything. 

Why do I stay? 

I know I will never change him and I will never try to change him.  I just want to make his life a little better.  I will help him find himself.  Deep in my heart I know he is meant for great things. 

Unconditional love.  He saved me from destroying myself by telling me that I had been raped.  He helped me face the fact that I have MS.  He helps me raise the children I so desperately wanted.  He loves me even though I have made plenty of mistakes in my life.  He takes care of me now.  He will take care of me when I get older. 

Letting Go

Some of you may have heard 'let go and let God'.  I am not ashamed to tell you I never really understood the saying.  Today I finally understood. 

My mortgage is late.  Unpaid bills are piling up. 

I did not think about any of it today.  I watched my kids be silly.  I made sure my kids ate their dinner.  I was mommy. 

I do not think my kids were too happy to have old mommy back.  I was easy on them.  To be honest I have spoiled them from the moment they were born.  I guess since I was told I would not be a good mother so long ago that I have been trying to prove that I am worthy of being a mom. 

 I realized today that they need old mommy as much as they need new mommy.

I let go and stopped worrying.  I stopped worrying about if I was a good mom and I just let my self be a good mom.  I let go. 

I stopped worrying about bills.  I let go. 

I watched the 'Lion King' with my kids.  I sang 'Hakuna Matata'.  After all it means no worries.  (You can learn so much from cartoon movies.)

I have obstacles but no worries.  I let go.

 

Job Search

I am still waiting for a job.  I have tried everything.  I have been called for job interviews but they did not happen.  The jobs were too far away or it was a scam.  I have my resume in with many state agencies.  I have even put my resume in with a couple of employment agencies.  What really sucks is that I cannot choose any job.  Life will not allow me to do that.  I am forced into being selective. 
The position cannot be too far away because I am not that great a driver.  A desk job that is in the area is what I am limited to.  Now my car is in need of a new tire and an oil change.  I have a toddler and my girls are in need of going to the doctor.  I was denied Medicaid because my husband does not have time to look for a letter indicating that he has lost his job.  I am qualified to do so much but I keep reaching a road block.  I am either over qualified or underqualified for certain positions.  It is a Catch-22.  I want to give up hope but I cannot because I feel that God has something out there for me.  I just have to find it.

Nothing happens as planned.

Since I was a child of 12 I thought I would die by the time I was 20.  I was a depressed kid.

I also dreamed I would have a big house and two kids.  I never dreamed of a husband because I thought no one would love me. 

Well something went horribly wrong.

I am still alive at the age of 37.  I have three kids instead of two.  (It would have been four but I had that abortion.)

I do not have a big house.  I have a house that is the right size for me.

I am married to a great man who loves me. 

I did not die at the age of 20. 

Well what went wrong.  I guess I am not done yet.

The Movies

I miss going to the movies.  I have been focusing on finding work.  I want to see movies.  I love seeing movies.  I was even going to watch a 1982 movie called "Cat People".  I could not watch the whole movie.  It sucked then and I was reminded that it sucks as I watched the first few minutes of the movie.  The acting was terrible and the effects were awful.  I just could not bring myself to watch it.