Wrting an original work is hard

Writing about me is easy because.  I make so many mistakes in life.  I know no one is perfect but I came pretty close(just kidding). I was no where near close.  I made a promise to myself to at least try.  I will fall.  but at least I tried.  Falling is not so bad.  You fall and then you get up.  It hurts for a little while.  The pain eventually stop.  Take my advice and try new things.

Changing Format

I have decided to change my format.  I will be using my blog to write short stories.  It is more me.  Besides who wants to hear me complain.  I think I might even change the name. No I won't I do have quite a following.  But no more stories about me and my family. You may enjoy these stories or at least I hope you do.
Well no complaints 
My Kids are doing well.  My son is playing the way a little boy plays.  I wrote my first story.  I will reveal the story soon a few more tweaks and it will be done. 

What do you do when the cure is just as bad as the disease

They said take steroids so you can take pills.  Now my whole body shakes.  It is hard for me to even type this blog.  I do it to keep my mind active.  As tired as I am I know I have to keep on fighting.  I have not lost the battle.  If I stop fighting.  I do not know what will happen.

I took the steroids and there is no improvement.  Now I am waiting.  Waiting for something.  I do not know.  What I do know is that I am tired of not being me.  This broken shell is not me.  This is not me.  The person crying in her bed is not me.  The person trying to have a forgiving heart is me.  The person whose faith has not been shaken is me.

They say if He brings you to it He will bring you through it.  I believe that statement more today than ever.  All that I have been through has made me a stronger person.

But I am tired of fighting.  So very tired. 

But it has ended....

I can not do it any more.  My kids are suffering because I do not move as well as I used to.  My pride refuses to ask for help I was going to make this my last post.  But I woke this morning with a can do attitude.  I just have to wait for my legs to heal from all the "resting" I have been doing.  If resting means keeping up with the house hold chores.  Then I have been resting a lot. 

My kids maybe mature for their age, but they still need mommy to kiss booboos and to tell them when it is time to eat something.

I have to be their confidant and their protector.  Well maybe not their protector.

That is the dog's job.

It cannot end like this

I recently found out that I may never get any money from opening my soul.  That is fine. I write for me.  One thing I learned is that it is OK to put me first.  I am the one who has the incurable disease.  I am the one who dreads having to take a shower.when did taking a shower become an Olympic event.  That is OK.

I will focus on my Avon business.  I know it is crazy to do something that may never bring in any money.  I never was a sane person.  I am happy and relaxed. I am still mommy.  I kiss the boo-boos.  I make it all better.  I wish someone could kiss my boo boo and make it better.

Accomplishments (Hope)

I accomplished a lot this week.  I walked down the stairs without fear.  I am up at this ridiculous hour thinking about how to make my business successful.  I do not regret my decision to be a stay at home mom. 
I do regret my decision to come down the stairs.  The peanut butter sandwich I ate is making me sleepy.  I am going to stop here and go back to bed. I will continue at a more sane time.

I think now is more sane time.  My mother is not in town.  Some of the pressure is off. I do not have to put a brave face on.  MS is something I would not wish on my worse enemy.

I can be scared for a week. 

I do have to put a brave face on for my kids and husband.  Even that face is getting harder and harder to wear.  I want to cry but I do not.  If I start to cry I am afraid I will not stop.  

I Do Not Have Anything (Hope)

Today I am going to sleep over at my parent's house.  My mother will be taking me to my MRI tomorrow to see how well I am doing on this new medication.  I am nervous about it.  I try to put up a brave front.  I am hoping that they do not find MS.  That it was a misdiagnosis.  That I am just a clumsy woman who can not cook.  A woman that hates housework because she has been doing housework all her life.

Housework was fun when you were younger and you knew that it was not all your responsibility.  I just wanted some help.  Instead I get treated like a twelve year old.  I do not treat any of my kids like they are younger or older than they are.  Well I guess I had something to write.  Well it is time to put my big girl panties on.  I hope the MRI comes out clear.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Walk Before I Run

I do not like to lie. To be a good liar you have to become the lie.  With MS you never know how that will manifest.  For me it has manifested in the inability to walk right.  I also have to concentrate on where I am going in order to get to my destination.  I lie to myself that it will not get any worse. But I am stubborn and I have three kids to take care of.  They say that they do not need me and they have it covered.  After hearing all the arguing about who does what.  I have a feeling my job is not done. 

Enough is enough

Today I walked without the aid of my cane.  I do not know if that is good or bad.  I hope it is good I do not know if I have totally  healed from my fall.  I do know my leg was burning from lack of use.  I had to push fear aside  and trust G would help me walk on my two feet.  Enough bad.  It is time for good.  Well there is good.  My kids, my husband. 

Enough

When do you have enough.  Enough of anything.  I have learned that some people can never have enough of anything.  There is never enough money.  There is never enough of anything.  For my kids there is never enough food or candy.  For the little people in my life they want it now and they want a lot of it. 

For my kids their weakness is anything covered in chocolate.

I have the same weakness.

Yesterday I went to a meeting for Avon.  I came out of the meeting with so many ideas of how to make my sales expand.  I got really hopeful about the future.  It is like MS if you can see yourself accomplishing it then you can do it.

Forgivness

I just read the prodigal son to my son.  Of course he sat an listened then he realized there was TV to be watched.  Last night I thought about the prodigal son.

I have a dog like the prodigal son. 

She loves to find a way to get out.  No matter how far she goes she comes home.  She knows that we love her.  No matter how bad she is. We love her to pieces.  Even though my husband was against getting a dog.  He loves her and is upset if anything happens to her. 

Like I said she is an escape artist but she always comes home.  We forgive her and love her every time she finds a way out.  She knows that we will forgive her.  We welcome her with food and a good talking to.

If I can forgive a dog then I can show forgiveness to anyone.

Feeling strong

Today I woke up and I felt stronger than I have in awhile.  So strong that I started to get upset with myself all over again.  Why did it take so long for me to realize that what I really wanted from life was to make people happy.  But I lost track of that by feeling sorry for myself.  I felt low.
I told my son that it was time for bed.  He did something that he has not done in a long time.  He got in the bed with me and fell right to sleep.  He always knows when mommy is feeling low.  He always does something to make me laugh.  He is a two year old comic genius. 
Putting his legs in one pants hole.
 Looking at me with the what did I do look when he gets in trouble.
There is a whole list of things that he does.  The above lists just a few of the things. 
His older sisters do funny things to make laugh.  Of course it is not funny to them.  It is hilarious to me. 

Feeling Alone When You Are Surrounded by loved ones

I am surrounded by those who love me.  Yet I feel alone.  I am alone when there is pain.  I endure the pain because I know it is only a moment in time.  The physical pain will go away.  The pain in my heart goes away when I see my children smile because mommy laughs at herself when she falls down.  The best medicine they say is laughter.  So  I have prescribed to myself a healthy dose of laughter everyday.   I prescribe that for anyone. It is hard to laugh when you feel that there is nothing to laugh at.

My kids make me laugh.  They can just put on a dance show for mommy to watch.  They play silly games with each other.

I missed you. Did you miss me?

I took a much needed break.  Now I am back.  My vacation was to lay in the bed.  I was reminded about why I do not watch the news.  I can not tell you how many times I caught myself crying I know I need to be knowledgeable about what is going on in the world.  Why does it have to be so sad.  Is it not enough that my life is crap.  I do not want to be depressed about someone else and what they are going through.   When I woke this morning I was reminded that to err is human and to forgive is divine.  I want to be divine.  I have for given every one  but myself I do forgive myself  why would someone be so blessed if they were not loved.  

Is it too much to ask?

I decided today not to work this weekend.  It is the start of the Easter Holiday.  If my kids get a break from school.  Why can I not take a break from worrying.  I am going to NOT worry today.  What ever happens will be what is meant to happen.  I may not have any control of the outcome but I have control of how I feel about it.

I am the luckiest woman (Conquering Fear)

Today I realized how lucky I am.  I also realized how spoiled I am.  I tried to be a martyr.  Only one man was on the cross.  There is no room for me and there will never be room for me.  He said he would carry me and I realize it is OK to accept help.  I do not have to carry everyone on my shoulders.  I think my MS got worse because I was rushing my recovery.  I was never one to be patient.  Being at home showed me that I am loved and it is OK to not have control.  One fear down and many more to go. 

Getting Over Myself

Today I realized how lame I was being.  During my time of the month I get so dramatic and tired.  My last post was very dramatic. 

The illusion of control (Fear)

I realized I am facing my biggest fears.  That fear is to lose control.  Normally I run from anything I am afraid of or that I may fail at.

I have no control over who reads this blog.  I have no control over if any one will buy Avon.   If it will bring in any money.  I have no control if anything I do will cure my MS.  I have no control if little man will finally pee in the Potty.  I do not have any control.

The only thing I can control is what I do when faced with challenges.  I decided not to run from my challenges and my lack of control.  I just have to try.  If I fail at least I can say I tried. 

Before doing anything I always ask myself if I would do this for free.  If  the answer is yes, then I do it.

I would be a stay at home mom.  I would sell Avon.  I love meeting new people.

Funny for today: We tell little man not to steal food.  However, he has a mind of his own.  If there is food that he likes.  He will find a way to take it and eat it. 

The Potty is not your enemy (Acceptance)

I have accepted my disability caused by MS.  I have accepted that my son is very stubborn.  He never does anything unless he wants to do it. 

You have to bribe him for him to do anything you want him to do.  Normally the bribe is some type of food.  I refuse to let him take food into the bathroom.  I allow for toys.  It is as far as I will go.  Today when I told little man to go to the bathroom he ran to the bathroom door and tried to open it. He tried to use the potty by himself. He did not have much luck because he was wearing an all in one outfit. 

He has accepted the potty.  He does not see it as an enemy.  Now it is time for big boy underwear.


He is like his mother.  I hate having to use a cane.  I know it is necessary.  It is something I have to use to help me get around.  The  problem is that it is difficult to chase a one year old with a cane.  I have accepted it.  I find myself saying my favorite prayer for strength and to accept the things I cannot change. 

I pray that I have the strength to chase him.  I pray they find a cure for MS.  One thing I have that helps me is the knowledge that I am not alone. 

I have family and I have HIM. 

P.S.  If anyone has a direct line to the Tooth Fairy.  Can you please tell the tooth fairy that my eight year old  lost her last baby tooth and she is anxiously waiting for her money.

TWO DOWN ONE MORE TO GO!

Living in a bubble of my own design

I was at one time very sorry for myself.  I realized that it was a moment in time.  I have to slow down and enjoy the moment.that I am in.  I walk funny now.  Only God knows what my future holds.  Connor made a terrible mess of my kitchen.  Luckily my eight year old was willing to help me by doing the initial clean up.

My bubble sometimes needs a little maintenance.

The Further Adventures of Potty Training

Today (February 5) was an interesting day.  I tested my limits.  I am exhausted and cannot wait to head to bed.  My little man understands what the potty is but his mother and sisters have to teach him how to sit like a man.  Why is this important you ask.  You clean up a pissed on floor and you will understand why it is important.
Today (February 7) we did some more practice with the potty.  He did fine except for the impatience.  Little man took off his diaperoff twice today.  I think it was an attempt to tell me that I was taking too long.
Well today is February 10. It is a beautiful Sunday.  I cannot wait for warmer weather.  My joints are killing me .
I was hoping that people who expressed interest would come over.  I do not know  what happened to themI really just wanted to promote my website.  www.youravon.com/nerissagibbs

Weebles Wobble and they fall down

I am demonstrating my age.  Many do not remember this commercial or the toys.  I remember.  I am living proof that they can fall down.  Taking a shower should not be so dangerous.  It should be a time to relax and think about your day.  You should not have to get in the shower and say a prayer that you do not fall and kill yourself.

I would not want to die in that way.  I would want to be laying in a bed.  Surrounded by family and friends.  In the background there would be touching, soul stirring music playing.

I watch too much television.

I cannot help it.  I love TV.  In 30 to 60 minutes a problem is solved.  I wish potty training was that quick and simple.

One day I realized I was pushing to hard.  He is a smart little man but he is not going to do anything when pushed.  He is a little man who will do things when he wants to do them and not before.

Handicapped and loving life (Hope)

The potty arrived today.  I hope he learn quickly that the potty is more than something he sits on and sings songs to himself. His singing is great.  Melodious and soothing.  I know he does not sing any words.  One hurtle at a time.  I hope his singing will lead to the use of actually words instead of the grunts and sign language he currently uses.

It will all take time.  I am in no rush.  Where am I going?

Broken but still good.

This morning I woke up feeling so good.  Then I stepped out of the bed.  It all came rushing back to me. 

I was not 20.  I walk with a limp.  I am not a well person. 

I have three children who do not accept the excuse that mommy needs a few more minutes of sleep. 

I want to try and have very little change.  I cannot be the mommy that spoils her kids.  I can just be here to listen to their problems.  I guess that will have to be enough. 

I know that everyone expects my kids to be like me.  They expect my kids to be morning people.  Only two of them are morning people.  The oldest never will be a morning person.  I am lucky she gets to school on time. 

People say I have to watch out for my son.  Because he will be bigger than me.  He will have a lot of testosterone.  He already has a lot of testosterone. 

I still believe that if you treat a child with respect and love.  They will treat you with respect and love.

We are not idiots.  We will invest in plastic cups and bowls.

Good morning

Good morning world.  I recently had a moment of weekness.

Maybe I am getting too oldI  I will be 38 soon.  I am getting too old for the B.S.  I vented recently about my MS and how long I was diagnosed.  I was diagnosed when my oldest daughter was a year and a half.  I tried to be a supermom and a supportive wife.  I did a lot and I made myself sick with worry.  I did not want anyone to take my baby girl away from me.  Now I have 3 great kids.   

Two of them look like me.  The oldest looks tike her dad. 

I tried my best to raise the oldest girls to never be taken advantage of.  To be leaders and not followers.

Now that I have a son   The boy I always wanted. I have to put aside my own fear.  The fear that I am not good enough. I hope I am able to help raise a strong man. After all I am lucky enough to not be alone.

To me a strong man is not afraid to say that he needs help. 

A strong man knows he does not have all the answers.

I pray ghat God gives me the wisdom to raise such a man. 

I also pray that God gives me enough days on this earth to see my kids grow up to br who God has planned.  I believ there is a plan for all of us. 

I ghink I am just going to enjoy today 

The Present is a Gift.  At least that is what they say.

Doctor

Today. I go to the doctor.  I have not been to a doctor in years.  Not because I was stil in denial.  It is because we ran out of money.  I had to apply for public assistance.  I hatedM to do it but my husband is also out of work.  Kifs are not cheap..

What is in store for me

Hello Everyone
Today is th third day of the week.  I am a little closer to starying back   I stayed away and now I am back. 

I got a caneI have to practice with it.  Sometimes it is easier to walk without it.    I do not know if I should just accept it an walk with it when I really need it.  My parents bought it for me.