Christmas is a time to reflect (Hope)

I used to believe Christmas was a time for children.

I thought of it as not a time for me.  I thought of myself as too old.


I realize now that Christmas is a time for the kid inside of us.  I realized this during my umpteenth time watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. 

I also realized that there was still a part of me that is childish.

My younger brother will always be my little brother.  He will always be the brother I protect from the bad things in life.  Even if the bad thing is me. 

I have done a lot of bad things in my life.  I am not proud of the bad.

I try to make up for the bad things by doing more good . I try not to advertise the good.  If I can make one person feel good about themselves,  then I feel one of the many bad things will be erased.  It will not be.  I hope it will erase the bad things I have done in my life.  It does make me feel good to know I made someone feel better about themselves.

I never told anyone.  You can keep a secret, right?!.  I was diagnosed with MS twelve years ago.  I was diagnosed when my oldest was about a year and a half years old.  I tried to be supermom and very good at my job.  It was a stressful job.  My supervisor  put a lot of pressure on me to do well.  I had a choice to make.  I had to choose between my job and my family.

Well, I am sitting here unemployed.

I chose my family.  Many people would say that I am crazy.  I am crazy.  Crazy in love with my kids and husband.  I am so corny,

Avon allows me to make a little money.  It is little right now.  And still be there for my kids.

I get to see my little boy pretend everything is a car.  I get to see my daughters argue about nothing.  I am here. I will never again put myself in a situation where I have to choose.  I am not in an office trying to get work done in order to get home.  

God has blessed me abundantly.  He gave me three kids.  I only hoped for two.  He gave me a good husband.  When I thought no man would love me.

I am not rich in the conventional sense.  I am rich in every other way.

I feel bad that I will not be able to buy Christmas presents. 

There is always next year.  I am going to be O.K.  and next year will be better.   I mean gift wise.