That felt good. I am going to do it again.

Get your mind out of the gutter.  I mean writing what I wrote yesterday felt good.  I have been kind to you all.  You really do not know how Pissed -ed -ed off I can be.  Yes I said pissed -ed -ed. It is not a word.  It does convey how angry you all make me.

I was advised to take time for myself.  To read my Bible and meditate on God's word. 

I have been meditating on God's word for awhile now.  I do not know the Bible as well as I should.  I may never know the Bible as well as I should.  I am going to stop writing for others and write every stupid thought that comes to my head. 

Yes.... I am in a glass house.  I am throughing stones.  I am also going to walk around in here naked and exposed.  If you do not like it then you do not have to read this blog.  It is not like alot of you are reading it anyway.  If you were reading it, then you would become a member or make a comment. 

Humans do suck.  I suck most of all.  I have the craziest thoughts.

Do you remember the show "Family Matters"?  Steve Urkel became Stefan in an episode.  Laura fell in love with Stefan.  When Stefan turned back into Steve, Laura became upset and ran out of the room.  She said that she had met a wonderful man and he went away.  She blamed Steve.  Pardon my french but WHAT THE HELL.  It was the same guy.  That is what is wrong with you humans.  You want a ready made and polished love.  Well then you are out of luck.  There are very few of those.  My husband was Steve Urkel.  He is Stefan now.  It took a whole lot of work to reach Stefan status.  Every now and again he becomes Steve again.  I have to fix 'the machine' and do maintanance on him.  I love him but a lot of time and maturing had to happen before he became Stefan.

Can someone explain to me who is US in Genesis?  OK. Do not try and explain because I have another question.  What if Jesus existed when God was making heavan and earth.  What if Jesus was the first born son?  What if we are the middle child?  What if God gets a little put out with us sometimes.  What if one day there will be a third child?

My oldest daughter put in perspective for me.  She referred to herself as the oldest and we did well with her.   I reminded her that she was not the eldest and that I really screwed up with the first.  She understood but it did not change her thought process.  She referred to her sister and herself as the middle children.  Making my youngest the final and best version. 

I smiled when I heard this.  It did made me think.  What if God made Jesus first and then made us?  What if he tried to teach us how to be as good to each other as He is to us?  What if free will was getting in the way? 

Chew on that.  If you are reading this you have nothing better to do anyway. 

I am sure God looks at me and shakes his head wondering what he did wrong.

Humans suck....

I was going to be all philosophical.  What I was going to write is below:

Life...  What is life to you?  To me life is many things.  Life is an everyday struggle.  It is a stuggle to do what is right.  It is a struggle to raise happy and respectful kids.  Life for me is discerning whether what I think and feel is really me or my disease.

My disease is MS.  MS is a small part of my life now.  MS is my body attacking my nervous system.  I might die from the disease.  The attacked nerves form lesions. 

I have a lot of lesions in my brain.  How does it affect me? 

Simply I was dramatic before and I am that way tenfold now.  My feelings are often times not my own.  I try to focus my crazy on my husband.  He takes it because he gets angry when I lose it on the kids.  

I learned that MS can cause depression.  I have examined my feelings and dealt with what would cause the average person to be depressed.  I am happy to say that I feel better about dealing with my issues.  It made me realize that my depression is not due to MS.  I was depressed due to my messed up life.  I do not get randomly depressed anymore. 

Something good did come from MS.  I learned alot about myself.  I learned how much my family loves me.  I learned alot about friendship.   I learned that I do like writing.  I learned that I love education.  I learned that I am stronger than I look.  I learned that everyone has their own disease.

My disease is a small part of my life and there is no cure for it but I can at least slow it down.

 That is what I was going to say.  I do not want to.

What I want to say is that humans suck.  People have to be reminded to be good to each other.  It sucks because people cannot be good to each other just to be good. 

Am I pissed off?  Yes I am.  What does it take for you all to be good to each other? 

Prove me wrong that you all are good to each other and I will write a long apology.

No Subject

I have nothing to write about.  I am sitting next to a sleeping baby.  I tried to take pictures of Connor today.  Almost every picture is of him with his eyes closed.  How do they take a picture without having kids blnk.  I guess they do not use a flash.  I don't know.  I have several pictures now of Connor with his eyes closed.

Amelia is doing well in school.  Kassia is doing well also. 

They are funny kids.  They play with Connor and they are missed when they leave for school.