Taking The High Road Part 2

When I wrote taking 'Taking The High Road' I did not realize how much it would help my marriage.  I guess realized that even good men have their butt moments helps for me to vent.  During this time of anxiety and woe I was wearing my rose colored glasses.  I wore my glasses in order to keep the peace in my home.  Well the glasses are coming off. 

I have a pet peeve.  To be honest I have a few pet peeves.  One of them came to light recently.  Do you remember the movie 'Harlem Nights'?  The character Vera is yelling about Benny leaving a swallow of orange juice in the container.  It is a hilarious moment.  My husband does this also.  I complained about it one day.  His response to me was that he did this in order to remind me to  make more Kool-Aid.  I was so mad way back then that I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement.  I even asked him why he did not just make it himself.  Then he said the next stupid thing which was that he did not have time to do it.  This happened when I had a job and a baby to take care of.  I wanted to ask him what made my day less busy than his.  I made the Kool-Aid.  I have been making Kool-Aid our entire marriage after noticing the almost empty container.  Don't get me wrong.  I mean every now and again he does break a sweat and opens a packet of Kool-Aid, gets the sugar, a mixing spoon, and mixes the Kool-Aid himself.  I know that the ten minutes it takes to do this labor intensive job is difficult but he manages to live through it (or he asks someone else to do it).  O.K. I should cut him some slack.  I did spoil him by not complaining a all those years ago.  I am complaining now.  He does take good care of me now also.  Even during all of our troubles he still finds time to cook the family dinner.  Besides I am grateful that my biggest complaint is the lack of Kool-Aid being made.   

Jealousy

Sometimes you want to be someone else for a day.  Your life could be great.  Natural curiosity makes you wonder what it would be like to be that person who seems to have a great life.

There are so many movies with this plot.  'The Change-Up' and 'Freaky Friday' are a few. 

You are jealous of what they have.   Or at least what you think they have.

What if you are jealous of your own children? 

They get to run and jump.  I cannot do this anymore.  I have to wear sneakers with good arch support just to walk as close to normal as I can get.  They also get to spend more time with daddy than you do.  Part of me is very happy that they are so close.  Another part of me wants to shove them to the side and say, "Look at me.  Look at me."  I do not do this because I know that I am being silly.  I know my husband loves me but sometimes I want him all to  myself.

Then reality hits. 

I would not want to re-live the hormones, homework, and all the other childhood challenges?  Even if it meant escaping pain for a little while.  I remember the hell I went through.  Or at least the hell I imagined I was going through. I would not want to relive anything because I would not have my kids.

Life is funny because you cannot wait to be an adult.  When you become an adult and you want to be a child.



 

Courage

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I am scared that no one will read this blog.  Scared that I am making the wrong decisions.  Scared that one day my husband will come home from work and find me dead on the floor because I tripped down the stairs and broke my neck.  There are days (especially on days when my joints hurt especially bad) that I wonder if God has forsaken me.

I often wonder if I have courage because I am always scared.  I am aspired by the courageous people around me and I wonder if I measure up. 

I see the person who walks away from an unhealthy marriage.  I am sure that person was scared and alone.   They have to find their way.  They move on to better and greater things.

I see the person who forgives someone even when they have caused them so much pain. 

I see the person who works in order to better themselves by returning to school even when they have obstacles in their path. 

There is the person who follows their dreams even when people talk badly about them.  They follow their heart.  They work hard.  Even when they are told that they need to find a real job. 

This is what I see.  Everyone has something they fear.  These are just a few examples of courage.  I pray for courage everyday.  I think about the movie Green Lantern.  (I said it once and I will say it again.  You can learn a lot  from movies.)  In the movie the hero is told that courage is not the absence of fear.  Well I have enough fear to go around.  It makes me wonder if I have courage.  Is it just a bravado and I really do not have any courage.  I will investigate further and get back with you. 

Do you do things that scare you?  You have courage because I said so!! 

I guess my investigation is over.  That was quick.  I guess I do have courage.  Anyone who has to get out of bed with a smile on their face even when their legs cause them so much pain has to have courage.  Right? 

Confidence

I recently lost faith and confidence in myself.  I try to do the right thing.  Sometimes it feels like the wrong thing after it is done.  It is so difficult to do.  I try to get people to share my blog by word of mouth.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Then I decide to try and help others and they stab me in the back.  I am getting tired of being treated like trash.  I am a good person.  Why does no one seem to see that. 

People say God is looking.  But what if what I do is not good enough. 

Sorry it is one of those days. 

On to better things.  My girls are enjoying summer vacation.  They sleep all day and stay up all night.  My son is getting molars.  He thinks everything is something to climb.  I caught him on the kitchen table a couple of times.  He was up there giving me the 'What did I do' look when I told him not to do that.

On a side note I regained my confidence and faith.  I just had to realize that bad things happen to people all the time.  I had to get out of my depression.

Vacation

You know what I need.  A vacation from the reality of my life.  I need to pack my things and go to a hotel.  I need to be pampered.  I guess I would be able to do that if I had steady money coming in.  One day I will have steady money coming in.  Oh and I need new luggage. 

My dream vacation is not one on a beach somewhere.  It is a nice stay in a hotel with room service.  I want to be able to call someone and food is delivered.  Is that too much to ask for.  I know what you are thinking.  I can call for pizza.  Well, I don't want pizza.  I am sick of pizza.  Ok, Ok. I must admit those artisan pizzas from Domino's are really good.  I love the one with spinach and feta cheese.  Those are great. 

I want my kids to go somewhere and do what they want.  Not what people think they want to do.  My kids are simple.  Give them a little and they will make it into allot. 

We are simple folks. 

I may regret saying this but I prefer we be broke and happy. 

Taking the High Road

Ever want to scream but you but you try not to sink to that level.  I have had that feeling many times.  When my kids do something that makes me want to scream I count to five.  I have left the room occasionally and I  go ahead and scream. 

When it is an adult it hat makes you want to is harder to do these things because you look crazy.

I know I have told you all in past posts that I would be honest with you.  I normally do not complain about my husband.  I have complained about many other things.  In past posts I have only said wonderful things about him.  Last night was not one of those times.  Last night my wonderful husband was a butt.  Yes a butt. 

I wanted to scream at him. To argue with him.  I took the high road and did not do those things.  I did not want to say things that I cannot take back.  He never believes me when I say things like I am going to divorce you.  He thinks I would never do that because I love him. 

For April Fool's Day I should type up some official looking documents and serve him with divorce papers.  O.K.  I would never do that because he would see right through that.  Stupid knowledge of the law.

Anyway.  Did I mention he is a butt?

I say butt because I gave up cursing a long time ago.  You know the word I would like to say.  I am too much of a lady for that word or at least I pretend to be.

 Back to my tirade.

He is a butt. I say this with a slightly level head. 

PRAYER

In my time at home  (which I hope will be over soon and I will be working) I did a lot of thinking about prayer.  Is wondered what God had in  store for me.  I claimed positions like many people suggested.

Claiming what you want I decided was not the way to go.  My suspicions were verified by a preacher who gave biblical evidence that claiming something is not following God.  It just leads to disappointment  when you do not receive what you want.  The thing that you want may not be in your path.

I try my best to follow God.  I do not claim anything.  I do hope for things but I do not claim anything.  To my thinking it may not be my blessing to claim.  
  
That is why I follow my heart and hope for the best.

The Race

Ever run a race along an area with lots of curves with obstacles in your path. 

You train  for this race.  You map out the route.  You have anticipated every possible hurdle. 

Too bad life is not that way.  I mapped out how my life was going to go.  My husband and I would go to work and be successful at what we did.  More importantly we would be happy.  Unfortunately you can never know what kind of hurdle is around the corner. 

Sometimes it is a short hurdle.  A hurdle that you can easily step over. 

Sometimes it is a hurdle that is so tall you have to climb it to get over it.  You feel there is no end to the climb.  You are tired and sweaty. You do not see an end to the climb.

Often times you do not want to go on. 

You wonder what the point is of going on. 

I myself feel this way often.  Then I turn on the music really loud and I feel at peace. 

I do not know what tomorrow will bring or what kind of hurdle will be around the corner. 

I normally keep going because to stop means defeat and you never know what is at the end of the race.

Waiting

Well I woke up today feeling good.  I felt normal.  I am still waiting for a job.  I found one that I would love to get.  It is with a local college.  I do not know if I will get it but it seems like a great job.  The school seems like it is a nurturing school.  It made me think about if I wanted to be a professor.  I don't know.  I know I love the educational system.  I know I have said things about the educational system.  I wish I could say that I did not mean what I said.  At the time I did mean what I said.  Maybe I was angry at the educational system that abandoned me. 

So much has been taken from me.  I just want to be excited about going to work.  Yes, Excited!
I want to wake up in the morning ready to meet the challenges of the day.

Well we will see what happens.

My girls are in  summer vacation mode.  My son has figured out how to come down the stairs without falling.

It is going to be a great summer.  I have to believe that it will be.