Bucket List

I just read an article on Yahoo about parents whose 5 month old daughter has a rare disease and will die some day.  http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/parents-bucket-list-dying-baby-girl-goes-viral-180155213--abc-news-topstories.html
They wrote a bucket list for their daughter. 

For those of you who do not know what a bucket list is let me tell you.  There is a movie called the Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.  It is a good movie.  They do things before the kick the bucket.  Hence the name of the movie.  To find out more about the movie go to http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/.

It made me think about my own bucket list.  I have done many of the things I wanted to do.  I want to see my children reach the age of 25.  I want to see them happy and satisfied with their life.  I want to go to every diner, drive-in, and dive.  I want to be alive and see my husband actually clean-up after himself.  I want to be alive when they find a cure for MS. 

It is not an extensive list.  It is not a creative list.  I do not care about seeing other countries or sky-diving.  I know that I am not very exciting.  I am a simple person with simple dreams. 

I love my life even when we are going through economic problems.  I will always be a worrier even when things are going well.  I will just wait for the next problem to arrive.  I would love it if I did not have quite so many problems.  I am trying to remove the drama from my life and I guess that is impossible.  Besides how else am I to know I am alive if I do not have a problem to overcome.

Chosen Few

I do not like many people.  I try to be nice to everyone I meet.  Unfortunately, it does not take me very long to size a person up.  After I do this I give it ome time and  I observe the way the person acts.  I tak in what they say. 

You never should go on first impressions.  When you first meet someone they put on their "Sunday best".   There are only a chosen few that I like after seeing them without their "Sunday best".

They basically show you their good side.  Their "Sunday Best".

No one wants to associate with someone who is down right mean and depressing.  If people got to know the real me then they would understand that the first impression that I give off is a lie.  I am not cheery.  I am not patient.  What I show them is my "Sunday best".

I do understand wanting people to like you.  That is why people will show their "Sunday best".  I like meeting new people.  I want people to like me and I do want to get to know different kinds of people.  It is just that what is underneath my "Sunday Best" is not as attractive as what is on the outside.

There are only a chosen few that I take the time to get to know beyond their "Sunday best".

Grudges

I wondered if to write this or not.  I do not want to seem like I am not grateful for all my blessings I am thankful for everything that has been given to me. 

I do carry grudges.  The only thing that is different is that I let them go and move on. 

There is a whole list of things that I am upset about.  Many of my grudges are toward myself. 

I am mad at myself for making excuses to myself for different reasons. 

What kind of grudges?

OK.   You pulled my leg.

I am mad at myself for not believing the doctor when I was diagnosed with MS.  I am mad at myself for allowing people to believe what they wanted about me and my husband. 

I am mad that when I asked for help and people turned their back I figured they were too busy and did not have time. 

I am mad that I did not have the courage to say that I forgave my father for his alcoholism years ago.  I am mad that I did not tell people that I was angry at believing that I would not be a good mother.

I am mad at God for making me so needy.  I want to stand on my own two feet but I get so tired. 

I just want to visit all the restaurants on the food network.  I want to have a vacation with my family at a great hotel and just lay around.

Well being mad does no one any good.  Besides my kids trust that there is nothing their parents cannot do.

Disciplining People Who Look Like You

Do you know what is harder than disciplining another person's child?  Disciplining your own child is very difficult.  I love my kids and when they smile I smile too.  They know that is my weekness. 

When I say to do something or I tell them they should not to do something, they say something that makes me smile and discipline goes out the window.  My husband says that the way I speak to the kids is not very intimidating.  My response is that they are so cute but I am at least I am sticking to my decisions.  I used to give in and let them get away with things. 

For instance, my eldest daughter asked to not go to school today.  I told her no.  She had to go to school.  Then she said that she did not understand why she had to go.  She said that there was only a month or two left of school.  She complained that they were not doing anything.  My response was that her father did not want to go to work but he had to go.  Her response was that at least he made money.  I had no response for that logic.  I am not about to start paying her to go to school.  I feed them and clothe them. 

I said I understood but that my decision was final.  She was not pleased but she went to school. 

My youngest daughter is fond of arguing her point.  She is very persistent.  She also likes to point out that she saw me smile and that I am not serious.  Unfortunately, I do smile and again discipline is out the window.

I have decided not to fight the battle.  Every time I tell them to do something I am going to smile.  It will confuse them but I can stop trying to be stern all the time. 

Can you discipline these faces?

Waiting and waiting

I feel powerless.  I am waiting for one of the positions I applied for and for my state tax refund.  It is the waiting game.  I feel helpless.  I guess that all I can do is sit and wait.

National Sibling Day

I told myself I was going to write up lifting things but something went wrong. 

I decided to write what I want and damn the man.  OK I hope you are ready for it.  National Sibling Day!!  Come on a day to celebrate the people you thought were a cruel joke on you when you were younger. 

I know when I was little that I thought my sibling was some kind of cruel joke.  I wanted a dog.  I got a brother instead.  I used to come up with scenarios about how I was left in a trash can and this was not my brother.  We were not related. 

I really wanted a dog. 

I am going to commemorate the person that beat the crap out of me once he got taller than me

I really wanted a dog.

I could not even play with him like  my baby dolls.  Something about a soft spot or some such nonsense. 

I really wanted a dog.

I eventually got a dog after he asked for one.  She was a german shephad Doberman mix.  In plain English a mutt.  She was abused as a puppy and feared strangers.

Where is national scratch your butt and make rude sounds day.  Or national me day.  A day to celebrate me.

Happy Birthday Connor!

My husband and I were joking this morning because my son's first birthday was yesterday.  He said another one survived a year.  I said that I made some mistakes but I think I did well because I did not accidentally kill him.  He said that it had nothing to do with me.  He pointed out that all of our kids are pretty resilient.

Ugliness of Human Nature

I recently came face to face with the ugliness of human nature. 

I talked about the word mandacity awhile ago.  It is an ugly part of human nature.  Some people do not mean to lie.  Often times they say what people want to hear.  Other times they lie for someone's own good.  What gives them the right to decide what is best for another person. 

People sometimes say they will do things and then later say that is not what they meant.  They then say they will not do it until certain conditions are met. 

Who puts a condition on kindness?  I think if you are being kind then you do not put conditions on it.  "If I do this, then I expect this."  Just say you cannot do something.  As they say... "I have my big girl panties on."  I will live. 

I try to let my family know that as long as they say they are sorry for what they did then I will forgive them.  It is an ugly part of human nature.

Enough is enough...

I am getting tired of complaining and living in cyber world.  I am tired of Facebook. 

I do not care that so-and-so got a new whatever.  I am tired of living on this computer. 

My life is more than that.  I am more than that. 

I was thinking of the jobs I have had in my life.  Gather around and let me tell you about the gems I have had.  When I was in high school I volunteered but it felt like work.  I worked in a doctor's office.  I assisted the secretary.  I did things like take the patient files and organize them.  It was the fist time I ever heard of babies being born without an anus.  The doctor had to do surgery and create an intestinal track for the children.  It was major surgery.  I felt so sorry for those babies.  I could not imagine what that would be like.  I did what the secretary needed me to do. 

After that I volunteered in my high school.  I volunteered in the library.  It was a nice hang-out for the kids in my school.  Very little reading was done.  There was a lot of giggling and talking. 

Then I went to college.  I did my work-study in the economics department as a secretary aid.  I typed in people's grades.  There was answering the phone and other things.  It helped me with expenses at school.  I did the Burger King job for a while.  I woke up at the crack of dawn to serve breakfast.  That job was fun.  I got to eat as many french toast sticks as I wanted.  When I occasionally worked the afternoon shift I ate as many chicken sandwiches, onion rings, and whopper juniors as I could. 

I eventually got a job at this pizza place.  I created some work of art pizzas.  There were a bunch of delivery guys.  We joked around and ate pizza on slow nights.  After my second paycheck bounced I looked for another type of work.  (Don't worry I got my money in cash after telling the owner about the bounced checks.) 

My next job was at a place called Baja Burrito.  The owner would not hire me at first but I was persistent.  I went back there until she hired me.  I am happy I did not give up.  I ate tacos and burritos until I was sick.  They were delicious.  I did some damage to the nacho supply also. 

If you have not noticed the theme in college was to work where the food was.  A college kid has to eat. 

After I graduated I worked at a daycare.  I quit there because I did not like that the owner dismissed the concern I had for one of the kids.  Being just out of college I did not know what to do about my concerns and since there seemed to be an explanation for the bruises I saw on one child there was very little I could do. 

After the day care I worked at a place where they did tutoring.  That was a good job but I had to find a new job after discovering I was pregnant.  I liked it there.  Then I found a new job with the school system.  After losing my job I decided to go and get my legal certificate.  I liked worked on that while adjusting to my MS medication.  I did well even though the MS medication made me sick.  Then I worked as a telemarketer.  I did not enjoy that job at all.  I gathered information for the sales staff.  I was good at my job but I did not like what was being said and the tactics they used to make a sale.  After that it was the call center.  I got pregnant  and quit the job because I did not want to put the baby in harms way.  It was an unplanned pregnancy and I love little man. . 

Now I am just waiting for my next job.  Put in my resume with the state.  State jobs take forever to tell you if you can have an interview.  Wish me luck. 

Big Girls Do Cry

Yesterday I posted some complaints.  Well that really is me.  I am the biggest complainer in the world.  Unfortunately, my husband is the only one who hears my complaints.  I try not to complain to others because they want to tell me how it is going to get better.  I know this.  What I want is for someone to make me laugh or to tell me I am being stupid.  My husband does this for me.  He is also easy on my eyes.

NO ONE IS READING

No one reads this blog.  Everyone is on FB or Twitter.  I understand why.  No one has time to read or comment about what I say.  I understand.  I am just some person who has too much time on her hands.  It is easier to write a short little humorous blurb or inspirational thought than to comment about what some cry-baby says. 

Bad Day

Ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong.  Well I had one of those days.  Then I realized I started my period early. 

You may have one of those days when you wonder why does this keep happening to me.  It is very similar to one of those wrong days. 

I had one of those days.  Actually a couple of those days. 

I was tired of being the forgiving one.  I was tired of being the understanding one.  I was just plain tired.

I wanted to scream you know I just want to be left alone.  I wanted to just listen to 'The Lazy Song' and read a book.  Then my kids came in and made me laugh.  I was not upset anymore.  My side hurt a little from laughing but there was no other pain.  That is unusual for me.

My husband said that I am not supposed to do everything.  It is  o.k. to lay down and rest.  I know that it is o.k.  I then hear my parents voice in the back of my mind.  "I don't understand how you can have your house like this."  I want to scream to get out of my house and don't come back.  I don't do that of course.  It would be rude and I already did that and they told my brother to see what was wrong with me. 

How about I have MS.  I deal with fatigue.  I deal with the occasional ache and pain which I think is actually me getting older. 

I can not tell them that of course because I run the risk of them wanting to check on me all the time. 

I look healthy and that is what they will see.  That is what I will be.

Mandacity... Lies and Liars.

Why do I write this blog then.  I know they may read it.  I guess I don't care anymore.

The following came to me one day.  Hide in plain sight.  That is what I am doing.  I am hiding in plain sight.  I have never mentioned the blog to them and I never will. 

Kids are tiring when you are out of shape.

One of the things that I wish I could do is get a gym membership.  It is one of the things I will do when I find a job is to get a trainer.  I am a lazy person.  MS does not help because I get fatigued.  I hope someone will be there to help me without pushing me too fast.  Well first thing is  a job I enjoy.  It is the first thing I need to do.

After three kids the bathroom is now my best friend.  I have to be hydrated and drink lots of water because I just do not take the time to drink water.  When I need to go I have to go. 

I love my kids but my body is not the same anymore.  I am no longer the 20 year old who played soccer.  Or the girl that could stay up till 1 in the morning and then wake up to go to work at 6 in the morning.  

My son has a lot of energy and I have to keep up with him while making sure I take care of myself.  It is a difficult balance. 

You may be wondering why I had another child.  I ran out of birth control.  I decided not to go to a clinic and get a new prescription because my birth control did not react well with MS medication.  I was not going to abort another baby. 

Look at that face.  I am so happy I had him.