Christmas is a time to reflect (Hope)

I used to believe Christmas was a time for children.

I thought of it as not a time for me.  I thought of myself as too old.


I realize now that Christmas is a time for the kid inside of us.  I realized this during my umpteenth time watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. 

I also realized that there was still a part of me that is childish.

My younger brother will always be my little brother.  He will always be the brother I protect from the bad things in life.  Even if the bad thing is me. 

I have done a lot of bad things in my life.  I am not proud of the bad.

I try to make up for the bad things by doing more good . I try not to advertise the good.  If I can make one person feel good about themselves,  then I feel one of the many bad things will be erased.  It will not be.  I hope it will erase the bad things I have done in my life.  It does make me feel good to know I made someone feel better about themselves.

I never told anyone.  You can keep a secret, right?!.  I was diagnosed with MS twelve years ago.  I was diagnosed when my oldest was about a year and a half years old.  I tried to be supermom and very good at my job.  It was a stressful job.  My supervisor  put a lot of pressure on me to do well.  I had a choice to make.  I had to choose between my job and my family.

Well, I am sitting here unemployed.

I chose my family.  Many people would say that I am crazy.  I am crazy.  Crazy in love with my kids and husband.  I am so corny,

Avon allows me to make a little money.  It is little right now.  And still be there for my kids.

I get to see my little boy pretend everything is a car.  I get to see my daughters argue about nothing.  I am here. I will never again put myself in a situation where I have to choose.  I am not in an office trying to get work done in order to get home.  

God has blessed me abundantly.  He gave me three kids.  I only hoped for two.  He gave me a good husband.  When I thought no man would love me.

I am not rich in the conventional sense.  I am rich in every other way.

I feel bad that I will not be able to buy Christmas presents. 

There is always next year.  I am going to be O.K.  and next year will be better.   I mean gift wise. 

Games

Ever run after a one year old when they think that it is a game.  Your funny walk is a game.   Every thing is a game at this age.   Life is about how much fun you can have.  He needs an outlet.  Something to occupy his mind.  I was looking at the blocks offered by Avon.  It is some thing I can invest in.

New Love

I recently went to an Avon Christmas Party.  It was a great time.  I wore my Avon Body spray.  I smelled and looked great.  I had a really good time.  I learned a lot about all the advancement opportunities.  Becoming an Avon representative was so easy.  It cost as much as the cost of lip stick.  What surprised me the most was the number of men that were at the party.  The men were representatives also. I take it that men know better than women what a woman wants.  I know woman wants to feel special.

When a man says you look good.  It means something a little different than when a woman says it.  We should be honest.  We love to hear we look good.  When a man says it.  Then it means a little more.  I wish I could say that I moisturize with Anew to keep my husband interested. 

It is to keep all the other men interested.  And to make my husband know I still got it.

Depression (Forsaken)

I have been deprssed because I try to do everything the right way.  I try to follow God's laws.  I try not to lie.  I try not to cause anyone trouble.  But (and it is a big but)  I get into trouble.  All I wanted to do was help my husband.  I wanted to help take care of my family.  I tryed to be patient.  It never works out for me and my family the way I hope it will.  I am starting to feel it is better not to hope for anything.   I should not hope for a cure for MS.  I should not hope for anything.  Life sucks sometimes.  I am tired of being kicked when I am down. 

Well enough of that.  I think I am done feeling sorry for myself. 

I am going to say a prayer for guidance because I feel very lost.

I think I can....(Determinatiion)

Hello everyone,
Recently I was accused of always being in a hurry. 
I am actually not in a hurry.  Technically I cannot be in a hurry.  My MS will not allow me to be in a hurry.  I walk funny.  I have to slow down because my balance is all screwed up.  It is O.K.  That the person thinks I am always in a hurry.  (The person is my mother.)  People tend to forget that I am only 4'11".  My legs can only go so far.  All my life I had to play catch up with people who seem to tour over me at 5' and above.  It was a necessity that I walk fast.  Now I have kids I have to keep up with.  They get taller and I feel like I am shrinking.  What am I to do?