I thought I was in love. I was mad at myself for a long time. I felt like I let it happen.
I let alot of things just happen. That is why I always act or react. It is because I do not want anyone to talke that control away from me. I guess it made me more controlling. I hate that someone took something from me that I wanted to give to someone who loved me for me. I do not wish for anyone to go through what I went through because it may have led to great things. It also led to a dark time in my life.
If you need more info about date rape go to http://www.aboutdaterape.nsw.gov.au/
I said I would be more open. The easiest way to describe what happened is to share that portion of my book.
Alex Burrus
Part II: Mommy Alex
Chapter Eleven
Adam and Alex live in a studio apartment near campus. Alex finds a job with a pizzeria nearby. Adam finds a job with a local movie theatre.
The apartment is quaint. It is not the big house that Alex grew up in but she feels at home there. It is just one large room with a bathroom. They have very little furniture to speak of. They only have a wooden futon for a couch and a twin size bed. They sleep together on the twin size bed. The walls are not decorated. The small TV sits near the futon. It may not be much but it is home to them.
When they are not working, they spend a lot of time together. They spend time talking about anything and everything. They do have friends outside of each other but they enjoy being together more. They get to know each other and their love deepens . They take advantage of the perk of working at a movie theatre. They frequently see the free movies Adam gets to see since he works for the theatre. They also enjoy hanging out with their friends. The only thing they splurge on is going out to eat at restaurants. When they are alone they barely argue. They discuss future plans.
Life is peaceful. There is no hurry to do anything. They love their life and they are content to live in the one room apartment with the small kitchen and bathroom.
Adam buys a kitten for Alex. She loves the kitten even though the kitten does not like to snuggle. The kitten is from Adam and that is why she loves the kitten. She names the kitten Helen. The kitten is gray, white, and has the cutest face. Alex can stare at the kitten’s green eyes forever. Alex sees years of wisdom in those eyes even though Helen is only 6 months old.
It is the first present Adam gives her besides the love he shows her. The Helen is family and will always be family as long as she lives. The Helen thinks of Alex as her mother. Helen follows Alex around the small apartment. Helen misses Alex when she has to leave her alone and sits on the bed waiting to be loved when Alex returns home. Alex is more than happy to oblige Helen with strokes and love.
Unfortunately, animals are not allowed in the apartment. Adam and Alex try their best to keep Helen a secret. One day the apartment management inspects the apartment without Adam and Alex’s knowledge. They receive a warning letter that they will be evicted if they do not get rid of the kitten. The decision is a simple one for Adam and Alex. Alex does not want to give up her baby. Adam does not want to cause Alex pain and he does not want to give away the kitten they have both grown to love. Adam suggests that they find a place that allows pets.
Alex agrees to the plan. They are blessed enough to find a one bedroom apartment that they can afford that allows for pets. They move to the one bedroom apartment that is near a lake. Alex is overjoyed that they live near a lake.
With the help of friends who are studying to be veterinarians the kitten receives all her necessary shots. Their friends also give them advice on how to care for Helen. Alex finds a veterinarian nearby that can spay the kitten for a reasonable price. According to their friends it is the healthiest thin to do for Helen. Alex wants to make sure Helen lives a long and healthy life.
Alex quits the job at the pizzeria because the owner bounced two paychecks. After the second bounced check and the owner paying her in cash Alex has had enough. Alex can see the man is more interested in keeping up with his fancy car than paying his employees. Alex finds a new job in a small restaurant where the owner treats her well and there is never a bounced check. Alex enjoys her new job and the people she works with.
Adam has also found a new job. He loves it at his job too. The pay is higher and the work is enjoyable. Adam’s new job is near their new apartment which is very convenient for the both of them since they only have one vehicle. Helen has adjusted well to the new area and their new found wealth. Adam and Alex can now afford a full sized bed, a real couch, and a table. Adam and Alex are excited about the great turn their life is taking. They thank God for all of their good fortune.
Adam and Alex settle into a routine of hosting dinner parties for their friends, going to movies, and spending time together watching television. Alex knows a lot of their friends are college students who do not get a regular home cooked meal. She loves entertaining them. She is also very proud of Alex and his ability to whip up a meal out of the items that they can afford.
They are still in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. They still enjoy going out to restaurants occasionally. They still spend as much time as possible together. They enjoy going to the movies because the manager of the movie theatre considers Adam a friend and allows him to occasionally see a free movie. Life is still peaceful for them. Love has taken them to a place where the occasional worry happens but it is never anything they cannot handle together. A place where it is just the two of them.
Alex writes to God in her new journal as often as possible. She feels closer to God when she writes in the journal. She knows God can see all but her sense of closeness to God is greater when she writes in her journal rather than just praying in her mind. Writing helps her focus on Him.
Adam invites Alex to his hometown to meet his parents. The ride is long but Alex gets to see the school Adam went to and the area where Adam called home for so many years. The town is so small that if you blinked you would probably miss it.
Alex enjoys visiting the small home in the country where Adam spent his childhood. The
huge pecan tree in the front yard seems to dwarf the small home. Alex notices all the land surrounding the small home. Alex loves Adam’s father and mother who greet her with open arms. They are not from the country. They are originally from Chicago. They have created a life for themselves and their child in the small town.
Adam’s father, Edward, is a booming man. Which is the complete opposite of his wife, Tricia. A quiet woman who looks like she is more comfortable keeping to herself. Alex natural shyness makes it difficult for Alex to make small talk. Alex wants to make a good impression because anyone who is important to Adam is important to her. Alex tries to get over her shyness.
Adam’s father and mother are very tall people. Alex can see where Adam gets his height. Alex feels like a dwarf next to such tall people. Alex smiles a little because she knows how the house feels next to the pecan tree.
Adam’s father and mother share some embarrassing stories about when Adam was younger. Alex loves hearing each and every story. The more she knows about Adam the closer she feels towards him.
Adam’s mother is an excellent cook. Alex enjoys every meal. Alex wishes she had such a talent. Alex can see where Adam got his love for food.
Adam’s home is different from Alex’s home. Adam’s home does not make Alex feel like an outsider looking in. When the visit is over Alex makes a promise that she will take good care of Adam and that she truly enjoyed her stay.
Chapter Twelve
Unprotected sex is not an issue for the two love birds. Alex has told Adam about the herpes and he is willing to take the risk. They do not think about the other consequence of unprotected sex. They know they will be together forever and they feel nothing else will matter. They do practice the rhythm method and Adam has enough self control to not ejaculate inside of Alex to cause pregnancy. But sometimes love does not allow for good decision making and things happen.
“I’m pregnant.”
Alex is very happy about it and hopes Adam will be happy too. Adam does not know what to say. He loves Alex and wants to be with her. He is a little scared about such a heavy responsibility but he knows everything will be fine because they have each other.
“It will be alright,” Adam says to Alex. Alex realizes that Adam is trying to make himself feel better as well as Alex. Alex does not tell Adam that she is not worried in the least because she has God and Adam. Alex knows that what Adam really means is that God will help them through this time like every other time when they did not have enough money.
Alex may be 20 years old but she feels confident that she will be able to care for a baby. She has experience taking care of babies while babysitting for aunts and uncles. Alex is confident Doris will help her. What can go wrong she thinks to herself.
Alex tells the people at the newspaper that she can no longer be the photographer for the rest of the school year. The chemical smell from the photo processing liquid makes her feel ill. Alex know that after the baby is born she will return as photographer. The editor, Tracy, is very happy for her.
Alex loves sharing the news and knowing that a piece of her and Adam will come into this world. This baby will not have to deal with the same struggles they had to face. This baby will have all the love he or she needs and then some.
Adam and Alex decide to visit Adam’s family again because they will be going to New York to visit Alex’s family. The decide not to tell them about the baby yet. Alex knows Adam needs a little more time to adjust to the idea that he will soon be a father. Alex and Adam enjoy their visit but have to return home to get ready for their trip to New York.
Before Adam and Alex leave to visit Alex’s parents Alex goes to a dinner being thrown for the newspaper. Tracy asks Alex if she can say a few words about her and announce her leaving the newspaper. Alex is flattered and says that it is ok. Tracy starts her speech by thanking all the staff for participating on the newspaper.
“Unfortunately, we will be losing one of our family members. She will be greatly missed. Alex will not be returning to the newspaper this semester and we want to give her something for being such a great photographer. This is an African statue that stands for motherhood. Alex is expecting and we are very happy for her.”
For the first time Alex does not mind having the attention on her. Nothing can ruin her feeling of joy.
Chapter Thirteen
Doris meets Adam and Alex at the airport. Alex feels like a child who is not good enough when she sees Doris. She already misses home and Helen. She hopes she has left enough food for Helen and that their friends take good care of her.
As they arrive to the large brick home which is a stark contrast from the quaint little home owned by Adam’s parents Alex cannot shake the feeling of dread. Alexander is at home recovering from being ‘sick’. That is what they call a hangover now. They say Alexander is ‘sick’.
They spend the day just enjoying the sites and recovering from their day of travel.
The next day Alex tells Doris that she is pregnant. Adam sits next to Alex to support her.
“Well you are not ready for that.”
Alex understands her mother’s concern but she knows that she is ready. She loves children. She knows it will be hard but she is willing to work hard to provide for this baby. Adam has a good job and is also willing to work hard to provide for the baby. Alex does not say anything.
“Well your father will be crushed and unhappy. You cannot tell him and you have to finish school. Was Adam your first?”
In Alex’s mind Adam is her first so she says yes that her first was Adam. Jimmy is in the past. What would it do to tell Doris about her rape. There was nothing she could do about it now and she left it up to God to decide Jimmy’s fate.
“Well we will have to take care of it.”
Adam gets upset. “I do not want to get in between the two of you.” Adam starts to cry about the situation. This is the first time Alex has seen Adam cry.
Alex is so shocked by the lack of support that she goes catatonic. She feels Adam’s pain and realizes that there is nothing she can do to stop the decision that has been made for her. There is nothing that she can say because her pain is so great. She becomes robotic and says what she thinks Doris wants to hear. Alex might as well be a hollowed out person. She pushes any feeling down and hides it away. Something she has learned to do all of her life
Doris sets up the appointment for the abortion clinic. Alex’s mind is still numb. Doris says nothing to her until they are almost at the clinic. “Do you plan to marry Adam?” Alex feels a little hope.
“Yes I do.”
“Well he is a nice enough boy.”
Doris pulls up to the non-descript building and gets out of the car. All hope fizzles as Alex exits the car.
They enter a large room with many girls. Doris goes up to the desk with the nurse and handles the necessary paperwork. Alex sits on one of the uncomfortable blue chairs and waits.
Alex’s name is called. The nurse at the clinic does an ultrasound. Alex remains quiet. The nurse explains that they cannot tell her the sex of the baby. The nurse says this as if it is a speech that she has said before to one of the many girls who has laid on the table. Alex does not care about the sex of the baby because she is dead inside.
Alex barely hears the questions the counselor who asks her except for if this is her decision. Alex wants to scream that is not but she says that it is. She does not want to disappoint her mother again. She has to make it right. Besides Doris is probably right. Doris is always right. It does not matter what Alex feels or thinks.
Alex sits with the other girls who are waiting their turn to have their abortion done. It is a depressing wait. One of the girls just cannot stop talking. Alex’s name is called. She robotically stands and follows the nurse. The doctors put a mask on Alex’s face. Alex is told to count back from five. The next thing Alex knows she is being shaken vigorously and told to wake up. Alex just wants to fall back asleep and never wake up. The nurse tells her not to fall back asleep because there are other girls waiting. Alex does not care about the other girls. After Alex finally wakes up. Alex is led to where Doris is waiting for her.
When they get into the car Doris says, “Do not worry Alex. I had to have one too. You will be alright.”
Alex just wants to go home to Helen. When Alex gets home she goes straight to bed. Adam sits with her. For the first time she feels no comfort from him being near her. Her mind is empty. Doris gives Alex a bowl of soup. Alex throws it all up. Alex feels nothing.
Alex sleeps for the rest of the day.
She wakes up and acts like nothing has happened. Alex does not allow herself to think about what has just happened. Doris does not talk about it. Adam and Alex do not talk about it. Adam and Alex just wants to go home.
Adam and Alex do not talk about the trip on the flight back to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Alex tells her friends that she had a miscarriage. Her friends tell her that they are sorry for her loss. Alex feels bad that she is lying to her friends but she does not know what to say to them. She knows that they know she really wanted to be a mother. Alex decides to not return to the newspaper. She separates from her friends. Alex finds a new job and devotes her time to work, school and Adam.
Chapter Fourteen
Thirteen years later and after some other tests in her life Alex is ready to heal from the abortion. She begins the healing process by seeking others who have had abortions.
Adam and Alex marry and have kids. Alex sees her oldest child as the child she aborted so many years ago. Alex goes to the little home that feels safe and comforting to talk about her experience. After she cries over her own loss and the other women’s losses.
Alex decides to confront Doris and tell her that she forgives her.
“Doris, the reason why I am mad is because my baby would be thirteen years old now. I have been going to a support group to help me through it.”
Doris says, “You have to be careful because those kind of people want you to wallow in it.”
“I do not think so because they stressed forgiveness and releasing the pain.”
Doris says, “Well we talked about it and agreed. I felt bad for a week.”
“Dad was very excited when I told him I was pregnant.”
“Your father would have been devastated. You had not finished school. You needed to finish school before starting a family that is why your father was happy for you when you became pregnant with your eldest child.”
Alex stops talking. Alex stares at Doris. Alex thinks, “Well God I did it. Please forgive me for what I did to my baby.”
Months later Alex realizes that the healing will take years. Alex decides that each of her kids are their own person. None of her children is the child she gave up and that the child she gave up is gone and with Jesus. It gives her comfort to know that her baby is with God.
Alex forgives herself. She sees what has happened as something that allows her to appreciate her other children.
Dear God,
You are my one true father. You guided me through life and to be a better mother. Whatever is your will I will accept it. Thank you for helping me find forgiveness in myself. Please help me be as forgiving with others.
Your servant,
Alex
A rape is not always violent. It is sometimes about not wanting to do it. Many people think that the other person just needs a little convincing. If they are not ready then the other person should respect the decision made.
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